Subbie Advice

Domme to the Rescue! Finding Online Relationships

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I have a friend who is involved with a new DD that she met on Fetlife. He is smart, kind, even tempered and mature—proving that there are SOME good guys out there. Sadly, they are often buried under the myriads of claimers and wannabes- you just need to sift through the trash and find them. It takes time and patience, and the determination not to settle until the right match is found.

We are trying to ‘learn’ him the ropes—in other words—Subby Laws AKA Ways to Weasel. She sent me this article (below) that she found somewhere (I don’t have the reference, so if anyone knows, I would like to credit the author). I thought was very good- added a few tweaks.

This post is for both future Doms and subs to hopefully glean from. Before you even begin- decide what you want. Full time? Part time? Weekend warrior? Fantasy? What type of relationship do you want to emulate? Is it real or imagined?

Your profile reflects you- including your lift of fetishes and the groups you are involved in, as do the pictures you post. How you represent yourself is the type of people you will attract. CAREFULLY read the profiles, fetish lists and groups of your contacts. You will be surprised as to what they reveal. Do you really want to sub to a guy who is into something like (paraphrase) beating the sub to unconsciousness and choking her? I don’t judge fetishes, but way too many woman are being seriously harmed because these jerks take what they list as a fetish as consent. Unbelievable, but true.

Most important- are you stable (mentally, emotionally, socially) enough to BE in a relationship? Is he? Just a head’s up—if you meet someone on places like fet- read their posts/discussions/interaction with other people. If the individual is a hot head, jumps to conclusions, back peddles, chases his tail, attacks or simply just a dumbass, run. Like the wind. That ugly temper will come back to haunt you when he does not have another target. Apparently, this type of aggressive, unprovoked and confrontational behavior is becoming commonplace on group discussions- don’t engage. That pisses them off too, because all they want is a fight. Bullies like to get a rise out of people they think are weak. It is what they do because they are insecure, don’t have a life, or are just plain mean. Don’t give them the power to believe they won. Don’t give them the personal information they demand to ‘prove’ yourself. Don’t give them the time of day- just report them to the moderators. Eventually, they will get banned and hang themselves for being idiots. It does not take long for other group members to see them for what they are and they turn themselves into a laughingstock. Also know that most of them are too stupid to even understand what they are talking about anyway and make up for having a tiny penis by showing forth a big, ugly mouth.

My opinion- for what it’s worth, lol!

Weed out the crap. Understand that there are as many different ways to life the lifestyle as there are people. TITLES ARE EARNED OVER TIME.   Just because someone makes a claim to be a Dom, a Daddy, or whatever, does not make him one, any more than putting a collar around your own neck makes you a true sub. The top and bottom traits must be nurtured and anyone jumping into titling is someone to beware of.

Get references. Demand to talk to those who DON’T care for him/her. They will reveal much more than those who like him/her. Yep, I did this with John’s first wife and an ex-girlfriend. Unless they have something to hide or are afraid that something will be revealed, they will give the info to you along with the truth- hopefully show some responsibility for their actions. Remember, it’s a two way street. The more excuses and justification you hear, the more suspicious you need to be. Follow through, too. Don’t be afraid to discover the truth! Better now than down the line when he/she repeats the same offense that caused the previous relationship to dissolve in the first place. If you are afraid to ask/contact references, or he/she won’t give them- see that as a huge warning sign. This goes for the tops/Doms as well- be careful! Fatal attraction exists in all forms.

I was very impressed when my friend’s new Dom  contacted us. He was genuinely interested in who she is, her background and interaction, and the relationship she has with us. To me, it showed integrity- something severely lacking in the hedonistic world. He is entering the relationship informed (she was not one of the crazies, btw, lol) and my only hope is for her to have happiness she deserves.

If you are afraid of learning or knowing the history of someone, recognize that as a serious problem.

Incidentally, there are only three subs we have ever ‘fired’ from our lives- each was selfish, jealous, and disrespectful of boundaries. All three pursued John behind my back (I DON’T SHARE MY HUSBAND) and used me to try to gain his attention. That betrayal of trust resulted in instant removal. Of the three, two had been collared (and decollared) and there was only one who we considered pathologically dangerous. The sickos come from both directions, folks! An intelligent person can determine the difference between a personality clash vs something like, let’s say, moral and criminal behavior. One can be over looked- the other- RED FLAG. This goes for both tops and bottoms alike.

Just an FYI- if you are involved with someone who has/has had a significant control/jealousy/victim issue and has acted out and destroyed relationships because of it- AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS. That monster will come back to roost. Trust me- been then, done that. Same thing with issues like screwing around, instigating problems, theft… A few moments of gratification is not worth years of suffering. Been there, done that. On more than one occasion, I hate to say.

  1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness. Even in total power-exchange, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated). The choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own. When in a situation or relationship, take the time to know one another and learn body languages. Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent. If your partner has a problem with your honest boundaries- get the hell out of dodge! Unless it is something you enjoy, never allow him/her to manipulate you into doing something uncomfortable. Boundaries.
  2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it (BIG TIME) so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly. Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it. Someone who claims to ‘know’ what you want, or tries to turn it so it is all about him, is an arrogant jerk. Again, get the hell out of Dodge.
  3. Know what you like. Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Read books, ask questions, and experiment with yourself. Most of you know my opinion regarding the party mentality- but I see nothing wrong with attending an event at a safe and well run club. Do not attend alone, though. You can also contact an EXPERIENCED dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself and your partner.
  4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy. Just because they claim the title and have 500 friends on their profile doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself.You were given an instinct to protect yourself. USE IT. Then sick Mama Bear on them.
  5. Bottoming is not the same as submitting. Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker either.
  6. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate. Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it! Again, if you feel you are being pushed into something- run. Oh- and do not be quick to ‘attach’ yourself to a Dom/Daddy in your profile. It makes you look desperate and him (especially if he is new to the scene) look like a wannabe. Respect the time to develop the relationship.
  7. Be honest about who you are. Are you poly? Monogamous? Bisexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. If people don’t want to care for you, warts and all, then find ones who will. This is NOT about the psycho stuff or criminal activity. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
  8. Don’t’ be afraid to say no! Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent. Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safe wording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly. ANYONE- Dom, sub, friend, brother, sister, etc- who refuses to accept and respect your NO is dangerous. Been there, done that too!
  9. Don’t compare yourself to others. A big problem we have had in the past is that our subs talked amongst themselves and compared notes. For mature and responsible adults- no problem. Unfortunately, a few of ours were neither and it caused all sorts of jealousy, back biting and destruction. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable. And you will make everyone else around you miserable as well.
  10. Ask questions. Seriously. Ask people who really know- not just say they do. If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK. If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
  11. Sometimes submission just sucks. Recognize that there is a difference between being a submissive and being a slave. For John and me, submissive means releasing my control to his authority. We discuss everything, interact like a regular couple, have separate interests and share common activities. He physically serves ME more than I serve him, take care of me, and assures that I am happy, healthy and strong. My job? To please him. Even if it means he wants to put me on a gauntlet ‘just because’ he is feeling sadistic and NO is not an option. My own definition of submission is like love- when you place another person’s happiness as being greater than your own. If both partners adopt this, then you can’t help but be happy. Even if sore…
  12. You don’t have to like something in order to do it. OMG, I hear this all the time. I say I don’t like it. He says he does. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s okay- and so is whining.
  13. Perfection is not required.* You WILL mess up You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself. Incidentally, John LOVES it when I F* up. Gives him another reason to go to the torture room.
  14. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick. Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then its cover. Always know that!
  15. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play. You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!

I want to thank my friend again for this article. Wishing everyone a safe and Spanking Christmas!

Luvs,

Bree

Putting Lipstick on a Pig

Recently, a bunch of us authors were chatting about reviews, especially the bad ones.  You all know my disposition on them (especially the one that stated, with authority, that English was my second language and that I write like a high school student).  After falling off the chair laughing (and still waiting for the return email as to where the reviewer got that information), I sobered up and sadly realized that she was probably a very lonely, miserable, and bitter person living in a pile of her own muck.  Books, hence, were likely her only escape from her reality and mine, subsequently, took her somewhere she did NOT want to go.

I (Bree) have learned that, as an author, I can choose to look at things (i.e. negative reviews and nasty emails) as indicators that I got under someone’s skin. As a ‘bruise pusher’ (in my more sadistic mode, lol) that doesn’t particularly bother me anymore.  I see it as an opportunity that perhaps in the attempt to extract my annoying words from their minds, they might eventually come to terms with the reason those words bothered them. I wrote Naked and Defiant to share what happens when someone gets under another person’s skin enough to force them to look at their life and make positive choices. Often, positive choices are uncomfortable, and the changes, painful. Trust me, Jade (the heroine) did not like, or appreciate, being forced to see the truth about herself.  But then, who does?

Change can only happen when we see our flaws, accept them, and do something about it.  Unfortunately, too many people are more comfortable in blaming others because it is easier than changing themselves. Even worse, too many people turn a blind eye to things they know are wrong for fear of being rejected by others. I both love, and hate, this quote:

“If you are afraid of being lonely, don’t try to be right.”
― Jules Renard

We have a lot of frightened, lonely people in this world.  An awful lot…I am hoping this book will help people see that it is okay to be flawed and to ask for help.  With positive change comes peace…and with peace, comes joy.  We all want HEA, right? But we can only be responsible for our own change, not others.  We can bring it to their attention and hope that they hear, but it ultimately up to them.

I must quote Jim Burke (Blushing): You can’t put lipstick on a pig. That means that no matter how much you try to cover the thing, it is still, and always will be, a pig.  We can’t change the essence of what a person is inside by trying to justify their behaviors; especially if the reason we are doing so is to make ourselves more comfortable or to earn acceptance and approval. I mean-Why would any of us seek acceptance and approval from someone who only cares about themselves and their wants and desires? I have been at fault for doing that even in my writing career.  There are people out there who we throw away our precious time, energy, and talents while trying to gain their attention, acceptance, praise, and approval.  We do this for people who are neither capable of, nor worthy, to give it. And, for some stupid reason, we still pursue the relationship hoping something we say or do is going to give us what we need.  Do I hear an Amen Sista? We will do almost anything, except leave the relationship. Why?

We are afraid of being lonely. So much so that we stay in unsafe, unhealthy, and unnecessary relationships. Unsafe people come in many shapes, sizes and mentalities. They could be predators, cyberbullies, gossips and newsmongers, bosses (anything to make a buck), jealous coworkers, indiscreet family members, or what one of my girls called ‘ostriches’.  Those are the worst, in my opinion.  Hiding your head in the sand will not make anything go away. Plus, it leaves your butt in full view to get kicked! What’s even worse than justifying the behavior, is trying to force them to change.

Mark Twain said, ‘never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you up with experience.’

This is a necessary lesson, I am afraid to say, for many of us. John pointed out to me how much time and energy I waste by trying to put lipstick on pigs. It is a useless endeavor that has cost me peace of mind and several nights sleep and, thus, an activity that I need to stop. Isn’t it glorious that we never stop screwing up and learning something about ourselves?! Yeah, I’m grumbling too….

Bottom line is that we must do what we can, as we feel is right, and not allow anyone to sway us from where we must go. Right and wrong are often a matter of perception.  Perception is based on personal experience, ethics and values.  Ultimately, we have to ask…Who or what is more important and why? Your answer will expose the true nature of your heart.

Think about these quotes…

“Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it.”
― Leo Tolstoy, A Confession

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

“So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”
― Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon

“…Next time you’re faced with a choice, do the right thing. It hurts everyone less in the long run.”
― Wendelin Van Draanen, Flipped

“Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.”
― Augustine of Hippo

“The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Comments?

Luvs,

John and Bree

Rebuttal-Safety Warnings…

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Hi Ya’ll,

John and I are getting quite a bit of flack regarding sending out the warning about this guy, who knowingly violated the personal space of two women. They don’t like us calling him a predator, although his actions are repetitive and known to occur because ‘that’s how he is’. They don’t like us calling him a molester- even though he touches/kisses personal areas without asking. They don’t like us giving a name, description or setting forth a warning.  My question, what if it was you who is the next victim of his ‘admiration’?

I wanted to share my response regarding the request to remove the information we have given…I have altered  names to protect the victims, but otherwise, it is unchanged.  Here goes…

I stand by my choice that the fact these people KNOW how he is (quoting the victim) and to still allow this behavior to continue indicates an ongoing practice of ‘poor judgment’ that is either ignored, unaddressed, or viewed as nonessential.  I cannot wait, in good conscience, for someone to be injured before a warning goes out about this. As you know, the fight or flight mechanism does not strike everyone at the time of an event, and these leaves the victims assuming the responsibility for something the top should have respected and honored- or at least asked.  He did not do so. He assumed and took advantage of VICTIM in a vulnerable position. Morally and ethically, what he did was wrong and he does it to others.

I know he pays for play. If the concern that he will be shut down, thus loosing revenue for women he hires, takes precedence in determining the allowance of him continuing with such as activity at open parties, then there is a conflict of interest that clearly favors those who are concerned about income rather than the safety of others.

Why must someone get hurt before something is done to stop it, especially in the case where he is known to repeat these activities?  I have a duty to my readers to protect them from anyone who might cause them harm. All it takes is one– the wrong one– and all this fun everyone is having can be shut down. I don’t wish that anymore than you, so I need to do what I can to protect those girls who don’t know any better or think it will never happen to them. I don’t care about his reputation (it is already questionable from what I am told), nor do I care about his paid play partners and their incomes. He needs to stay in that mode. I care about the little girl who he touches and it sends her into a panic.  I care about the ones out there who don’t know what to expect, thinking that because he is old, he is going to be respectful and not take advantage of them. I care about the victims of molestation who blame themselves for something another person did to them and who were too scared and confused to do anything about it.

I’ve worked raped and molestation cases. Cases were the victim was found to be at FAULT because she dressed in a way that invited the criminal to hurt her.  I have personally witnessed men being let loose because the victim was too scared to say no- date rape cases are notorious for that.. The person who is hurt is the victim and it is something she has to live with, shamefully and with regret, for the rest of her life.

I was one of these, fyi. I was gang banged by my ex-husband and his buddies, and there was NOTHING I could do about it because I did not say no. Fear silences you. I will NOT turn a blind eye to anyone, especially MY GIRL, who are victims of even a dirty old man who invades their personal space.

Final word, the fact that THE VICTIMS had to bring this to the attention of the party organizer; the fact that this guy has a reputation of violating personal space and is still allowed to participate in these parties; and the fact that my GIRL is being left to feel she is at fault for something he chose to do, indicates that this is a significant issue that cannot go ignored. I have done what I can do to protect the people who look to me for advice, my readers.  Maybe one girl can be saved and that will be fine by me.

Some of you might not agree with the stand I am taking. I just pray that you aren’t the next one across his lap who would be hurt by unwanted attention.  Please, my darlings, take care of yourselves and be careful. Mama Bear loves you and God help anyone who hurts one of my babies.

Bree

The Uncomfortable Questions

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Sigh, of course I get to be the one to respond to the question regarding physical preparation for a session!  Sir John turned beat red (haha) when He was recently asked, What do I do if…

Okay, we are all adults here or, at least, a reasonable facsimile thereof, right? So let’s just be blunt.

Ladies, it happens, okay? We will start our period, we will let loose with a loud (and sometimes aromatic) butt bubble, we might even wet ourselves in the process of trying to escape the Mighty Hand of the Meanie Man.

Gentlemen, you will get an erection, you might even ejaculate if your Dom/Domme has your penis trapped between the knees, and we all know that you are no strangers to butt bubbles.

Preparation:

  1. Don’t eat gas forming food at least 12 hours before your session. In other words, don’t load up on broccoli, cauliflower and chili if you are planning a session that day.
  2. Do a Fleet enema if you are concerned, especially if your Dom/Domme practices anal punishment. It makes it way nicer for both of you. Do this several hours before or you might have some oopsss…
  3. Keep excellent hygiene. Okay, do I have to say it? Shower, shave, use baby powder or corn starch between your butt cheeks! You might laugh, but let tell tell you there is nothing worse to me then my hand smelling like butt sweat after I do a session (I know! euw!). Plus, it feels good. A nice Dom will even sprinkle it on you.  I don’t have a nice Dom….Just sayin…
  4. Did I mention showering?  The sense of smell is heightened during a session, so this goes for the Doms/Dommes as well. If you reek of onions, last night’s garlic bread and body odor, you will not only throw off the concentration of your partner, but you risk the possibility of loosing the relationship. How?  Think of what you would do to escape the scent of something that makes you nauseous and you are too nice to say anything? Would you ever want to go back and risk it? If you are anything like me, it is such a turn off that I don’t even care about the session. John does not touch me with dirty hands, unbrushed teeth, or a stinky lap, nor do I give myself to him like that. Excellent hygiene shows respect to both the Dom and the sub.  There are always extenuating circumstances…Like the car being pulled over because you told your Dom he was a jerk off… But generally, you know when you are gonna get it. Be respectful.
  5. The environment. Again, hygiene is vital. If your hands are planted on a filthy floor or there are creepy crawly things moving around, how healthy is that? Plus, OMG, the worst is a mildewy carpet. No way do I want to be breathing that in as I am OTK with my face close to the floor. Again euw.
  6. Communicate with your Dom/Domme if you are menstruating. Why? Start with the obvious. You probably have a plug up there and if you spring a leak, you don’t want to give the poor guy a heart attack making him think he caused internal damage. Also, a woman’s sensitivity and ability to mark will often change with her cycle. My sense are heightened and I am more emotional, so if Mr. Mean Jeans doesn’t know that I am hormonal, he can’t adjust accordingly. And yes, they do care about that stuff.
  7. Appearance. Again, clean clothing, brushed hair (pull it into a ponytail and off your neck, reduces the sweating and gives him something to hold other than your earlobe).

I always looked at sessioning like going on a date, not always a good date either, but the same care in prepping.  Taking the time shows that you care about your partner, and that you respect the situation you are both in.

Oh, and Doms? A nice Dom will rub unscented cold cream or lotion afterwards to show you care. I don’t have a nice Dom…Just sayin…

Luvs,

Bree

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