HANDLING REJECTION

 pouty girl

Ok, I will admit, this is my weakest area… My Achilles Heel. My poor little heart just crumbles in the face of rejection of any kind. I can make tons of excuses why, but the bottom line is insecurities. Is anyone with me?

This post is as much for Tops as it is for us Bottoms. And, as always, there is a madness to my methods…..

 

I have this terrible little habit of believing that, once I ask for something (often several times), if my request is ignored or forgotten, I feel rejected. Like what I asked for has no value or importance to the other person. Right, wrong or otherwise, it is how I feel.

 

I am going to use a recent event to illustrate things. So, most of you know my pull towards AP (age-play).  Not as a full time lifestyle, but in those moments when I am feeling the most vulnerable and beaten down. Who among us doesn’t want to be picked up and cuddled after a bad night, hmm?  And when you are told no… WOW!

 

I don’t know about you, but I tend to be a little oversensitive in things and it takes me a while to get over it.  The question is how?

First, we have to ask ourselves, was the request unreasonable? I mean, asking John to pick me up and carry me (given his old back and my overly ample bottom) may not be feasible. Of course, when I confront him about my belief about the reason for his refusal, he denies it left and right, up and down! I don’t know if he wants to admit that it is his back or risk my pouting by telling me I am too heavy, but seriously! Give me SOMETHING to explain why I am being denied what I want. Oh yeah, and ‘because I said so’ does NOT cut it!

 

The next question… Why would this hurt me so badly? What trigger did it pull? Am I just being hormonal… Or crazy… Or both? It is hard to find the source of our pain sometimes, mainly because we have pushed it down for so long that we forgot that it was there. But once we recognize it….. Open those flood gates!

 

The following step…. Communicating the hurt. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, ticks me off more than when I get the courage to say something and I am dismissed, blown off, or laughed at. Thank God SJ does none of those. But still, I know of several incidences, with myself and with friends, that this has happened. We want validation, acknowledgement, and acceptance of our hurt. It makes it so much easier to talk out when you know the person who seemingly rejected you, accepts your feelings and love you enough to help you walk through them. A good, loving Top will always seek a way to not only calm the hurts and fears of his/her sub, but will be there to help them walk through it. I always suggest that a serious Dom take some basic psychology classes. And please, for crying out loud, don’t use the reverse psychology bullshit on your subs. That only adds to the sense of invalidation and dismissal. Keep calm and don’t get defensive as she/he tries to express themselves. Your sub is trusting you to take her/him seriously and one misplaced word or gesture can put major walls up in the face of trust.

 

Apologies….. Ok, your poor Top (or his ancient back) didn’t really do anything wrong, but it so nice to hear that they feel bad that your feelings were damaged. A sweet, sincere apology… I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t mean to…. Goes a long, long way for trust. That simple gift will promise a lesser emotional reaction from your poor sub when the next event occurs (notice that I did not say the word IF)……..

 

FINALLY, it really helps to make a list of your needs and desires. I can’t expect SJ to remember all my demands, can I? Ones like…..

 

  • Wake me up with a spanking (not by pulling off the covers to spank me!)
  • Wake me up with sex! Mmmm
  • Pick me up and put me to bed (or finally admit that you have an old, creaky back!)
  • Learn the men’s part on ‘Tonight You Belong To Me’ and sing it with me. OFTEN!
  • Get out the legos and call me to play with you (not to just read the instructions)
  • Initiate AP more often.
  • Shock me with kinky surprises (anything goes… Like more anal play)
  • Start skipping when we go to the zoo and make me play along( Nikki here—–> don’t forget the fairy dress and flowers)
  • Take salsa lessons with me (which will help get this ample bottom in better shape, which will make your old, creaky back hurt less when you pick me up and put me to bed)
  • Make those desserts in the cookbook I bought you

 

This should be enough to keep MY Top occupied for a while, don’t you think? I will keep you informed!!! (Nikki—->not too much info. thank you very much)

 

Luvs,

Breeeeee

12 thoughts on “HANDLING REJECTION

  1. lol, thanks for that Bree. One of my ‘favourite’ bad reviews was one who said my book was basically a pile of poo, I write like a small child, but if you can get past that the sex scenes are really good. I wasn’t aware that small children wrote good sex scenes, but that’s what he appeared to be saying to me. Oh well, I guess he didn’t like my writing style but he enjoyed wanking over it!!! I guess that’s how I need to treat all bad reviews from now on.

    And thank you for the kind words. I will try to be patient and get on with writing something else instead of sulking.

    And in response to your final point, yes Ma’am, lol. Oops, bedtime for me. I’m sure it’s only around dinner time in the USA, but it’s 12.30am in the UK and I’m up for work in 6 1/2 hours.

    Carole x

  2. Hi Bree,

    Very well said, your books are making him rich so he deserves to have to put up with you being ‘needy’, though I find it very hard to believe that a writer with your talent could have any insecurities about their writing.

    Thanks for the offer of feedback. You might regret that as I may actually take you up on it!!

    For me, the top three authors at Stormy Night that I aspire to eventually be as good as are you, Korey and Renee. Sometimes I think I will never get there, and with each negative review (the ones that it is impossible to take any constructive criticism or anything from, the ones that reduce you to tears and cause you to question if you really are as bad as they say), each time I read one of those I feel even less capable of ever reaching that level of greatness.

    If I had your talent and had sold as many books as you have, including ‘real paperback books!’, I don’t think I would have any doubts about my ability (who am I kidding, I bet I’d be as insecure as I am now, lol).

    At the moment, 5 weeks after sending my latest story to my editor, my belief in myself decreases by the day, and my belief that he will really hate it continues to grow. Maybe one day I will have confidence and belief in myself, but I won’t hold my breath. Fingers crossed he will like my story when he gets round to it (I know he’s snowed under with new authors but it is hard to wait patiently in line when patience is not your strongest point!). I share your ‘love’, lol, of editing, so fingers crossed there isn’t too much of it. x

    • My poor sweetie…. First, let me encourage you about something. i even wrote a post about them.l. The haters. Ok, how can I say this delicately? Fuck them. Let them bitch,, bottom line.. They are buying your books! My disposition about them.. And I have several haters who are stupider than shit… If they don’t like my stuff, don’t spend the money. I love the ones who say they send it back for a refund,,, after they get their rocks off!!! LOL!
      As for the five weeks.. They have had mine as long too (they have two of my books in the wait) so don’t take it personally. The company is growing and us old authors aren’t the only ones waiting now, of course,,, being OLD…. We might be creeping along with our walkers but at least they will be properly edited.
      Drop me a holler, ok? I love your books, FYI…so don’t let anyone who does not matter discourage you. That is an order!!!
      Luvs,
      Breeeee

  3. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who is so insecure. As I only see my Dom once a month (though I speak to him most days) I have learned to ask for things. I still lack confidence and only last week I stood anxiously at the fireside, playing with some papers, until he asked me what I needed. He was about to go and I desperately needed him to give me a 6 of the best caning again because it wasn’t effective enough (I chose the lighter cane and I felt guilty because I definitely deserved the heavier one – it was a real, serious punishment). I must be mad as that second caning brought me to tears, but it was what I needed and I felt so much better. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything until after he’d gone home, which is obviously too late.

    I also take things as a personal insult when if I sit down and think about it, they clearly aren’t. For example, when I receive bad reviews on my books, I cry and really take it to heart and actually let this stop me writing at times. My editor is busy and takes longer than usual to get back to me with editing – I tell myself it’s clearly because he doesn’t like it! I know that if that was the case he would simply email me and say why he did not like it, and that he is simply busy and will get back to me as soon as he possibly can, but in my ‘sulking’ and ‘feeling sorry for myself’ moments, it’s because my story is the biggest pile of rubbish he’s ever seen and he’s building up to telling me that. I tell him I have insecurities about bad reviews, he talks me through the ones where the reader clearly did not read the warning and is angry about the spanking content as they did not expect it. He builds my confidence, but I wonder am I coming across as too ‘needy’, hence I back off and limit communication for fear of appearing too insecure. I build things up in my mind and get upset about things that really do not matter.

    I cry too easily too. Sir can spank me so hard and I can grit my teeth and take it without a single tear (when I’m feeling stubborn), but one harsh word can have me crying my eyes out.

    Thanks for sharing your own insecurities Bree. At least I know I’m not the only one.

    Carole x

    • Carole, it sounds like we all have a few insecurity buttons. Congratulations on learning to ask for things you need from your dom. I’m hoping to get there someday, too.

    • Hey Carole,
      OMG, I SO get you! Especially about the books. i know my guy is super busy, way too busy with all his new uthor to waste time soothing my need for reassurance… And yes, even after publishing 15 books that has not changed. Moreso, it is taking longer and longer to get feedback and even then, it is all technical. I hold my bresth wondering when the next email of criticism comes in and feel the need to explain myself every time. Sound familiar? And don’t tell me its hot.. I KNOW it’s hot. i want to know what people/he thinks about the characters, the lesson, the feel… Has my writing improved at all? SOMETHING. And, because I don’t get it, I start to believe that it is boring or mundane. I try so hard not to be a one trick pony… Writing only one style, and then sit anxiously waiting for the ball to drop because I took a risk. I hate feeling this way… But I can’t deny it. It is there and very real, and I too, will find myself falling when I dont see a new piece up for publication shortly after I submit it,.. Guessing e copy editor hates it or is struggling to get through it because it sucks. I have to rely on my friends and family to give me feedback now… Mainly because they are my actual readers and in it for the enjoyment factor.
      If you ever want some feedback before sending something out, gimme a holler. No one undestands the artistic mind better than another artist, right? As for needy… Lol.. I think he’s sick of hearing from me…… But hell, my books sell and that is why he gets the big bucks, so there!

  4. Bree, I admire your ability to open up about your needs, wants and hurts. It isn’t only men that have a problem with this. I’m very careful to only ask for things I think I will get. If I ask/mention a want once and don’t get it, I tend to withdraw and rarely mention it again. Not willing to risk anymore rejection than that one time. I am willing to complain and whine about punishments, just not anything I feel vulnerable about. Thanks for showing another way to open up without exposing myself to too much hurt.

  5. I’ll have to try that if I’m ever in a relationship. I DO know, however, from the personal experience of watching those couples around me that communication is key.

  6. I’m with you on this one Bree and I agree that men are just not good communicators (calm down all the ruffled feathered men reading this) but it’s true, you guys are just wired differently. I think making the list, like you did, helps to open the lines of communication and will make you feel better once discussed. And if it’s the old creaky back, ben gay, cortisone shots and a back brace will help 🙂

    And pretty pretty please, if you get him skipping at the zoo, there must be video 😉

  7. I always have my phone with me. … but I don’t know if I will be able to take the spanking afterwards! It’s bad enough he makes me walk 50 miles, all uphill, when it is 300 degrees outside. Wearing ankle weights and a flap jacket. With no water. Did I mention its alll uphill?

  8. This is most definitely something I deal with in my marriage more than I would like to admit, but I like the idea of list of needs and desires. We are trying to learn to communicate more, and this seems like something that could really help. Thanks Bree!!

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