Finding A Dom Online…



It seems that this is a topic you are all interested in. Ok my lovelies, let me lead you down this path carefully. Trust me, I will not let you fall. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, what is it that I really want? Do you want a weekend spanking partner,  a serious D/s relationship, an age play relationship? Are you seeking real atonement for misbehaviors or just more role play?  Or perhaps your desires may even lean darker, maybe  bondage, or more of an S&M relationship or experience.

Ok, once you know what you want, you need to put out some feelers. As much as you would like it, the perfect Dom is not going to just knock on your door one day  and say “hi looking for me?”  You are going to have to find him, or at least put yourself out there so he can find you. So for the purposes of this post, lets say you want a D/s relationship, with spanking as the consequence for your misbehavior. There are some sites like Spank Seek  where you can make a profile and search for a Dom. Or  Shadowlane  and Nu West that have advertisements in their magazines. You want to stay away from sites like , which is more s&m, and anything that does not have spanking or D/s or DD in the description.

So lets say you are on… You  need to put up an ad and also get into some chat rooms.  Your ad needs to be honest-not only what you are seeking but what you are not. When describing yourself also be honest. Trust me, nothing bugs a Dom more than setting up a session with someone and finding out they are not anything like they described themselves to be. Been there,  got a t-shirt and a very uncomfortable evening out of it. So truth, truth, and more truth. So you put up your ad and look, you have a response. Actually, you have alot of responses, so now what do you do?   You respond in kind and see if the prospective “Mr. Right” Dom, wants to chat.

So now you are in chat, what do you say? Well first its always a good sign to say sir and be respectful.  Tell him your needs, and find out his.  Remember, keep it honest. Now pay attention, this is really important and I want all of you to sit up as you are reading this, and pay attention. If he mentions sex, say thank you for responding and get out! No real Dom will bring up sex in a first chat or a first session. Also, no bondage ever, unless you have a trusting relationship. Really trusting, You need to put yourself out there, but you need to feel safe. I always tell nubie subs to rent the movie Strangeland.  That  movie demonstrate how careful you have to be.

Chat should be fun for you. He should elicit that tingle, with what he says and how he says it. Then, you may want to go a step further and meet. I am going to do my next post on rules for a first session which you will need to burn into your little subbie memories as they are vital in this scene.

As always, be good or else.


66 thoughts on “Finding A Dom Online…

  1. Thank you, now I´m glad I asked 😉 I gave it another try and sent it again right now. Please let me know if it worked this time!

  2. I just wanted to add that I also wrote an email – one to Breanna and one to Nikki – and didn`t get a response. So maybe there is some trouble in email space? I didn`t mention it earlier because I thought that maybe it was because of what I wrote (I`m the Austrian girl with the little,loopy, submission research-project…). It`s really okay if you didn`t answer because you didn´t want to but I just wanted to check if it`s a technical problem or if I scared you away;)

    • Hi Brikkie, I did not get your email. Go ahead and send again to I will be on the lookout for it. When did you email me? I was away for the past couple of weeks-maybe I just missed it somehow? I will check my spam folder too. Sorry about that. We always try to answer emails.
      lov nikki

      • Nikki, I sent SJ another email cause I still haven’t received ay of his. Isabella said she sent him one too and never got an answer. I really don’t think he is ignoring all of us, but something is screwed up in cyberspace. I’m still getting mail from Isabella. Glad you’re back and hope you got some comfort/pleasure from being with your family.

  3. Gigi, it is real and I thought he had emailed but I will tell him he has emails he needs to look at. Bre and I do NOT look at any emails that come into his blog email address because of privacy issues but I will remind him to check.
    lov nIkki

      • Let me know if it works, so I know if I have the right one too. Unless, of course, you get a scary response, then I’ll just kinda pretend like I have the right one hehe

      • Really? I only had one email so maybe I just had the wrong one? Darn, and it was like a totally perfect email too

      • Ah got it. Ok well I sent it to the gmail so it’s like a cyber space mystery of epic proportions to lose emails like that haha

      • REALLY nice! and I wouldn’t say we were terrible numbskulls “infinity squared” (that’s 1.2 million…I win) but that we were just being silly! 🙂

      • Hooooooo No ya don’t! I win cause I squared it, everyone knows you can’t win past the infinity squared, it’s like a law! Really…there’s a wikepedia on it and everything *going to create said wikepedia page*

      • Dude I’d steal your Easter basket and make you think you’d eaten the chocolate…I’m THAT good. I also feel Nikki was in the right, ALTHOUGH I think Bree had total “right” in the stuffed animal scenario because…dude…stuffed animals are the stuff! *see how I made the right decision on no cursing there…high five!* and if you keep sticking your tongue out someone is gonna find a gag for you 🙂 cause you’re making a tempting target. *points this out to all the people with itchy palms* LOOK at what Isa is doing!! hehe

      • Tell on me for telling on you?? I think there’s a double negative or positive in there and you know what they say about doubles? Twice the punishment hehe and really…quit sticking your tongue out….your teasing the animals and the result is usually uncomfortable…for your backside….and if you act “spastastic” (new super secret word of the day…3 points) it may be worse…BAM!! Oh yes I did!! 🙂

      • Really? 6 points? Cause 3X3 is 9 BUT if you want to take 6, I’m good with it! 😉 Now just because the spastastic isn’t secret (which I totally agree… actually pointing out that spastastic is the word of the day is well…spastastic…now that is 12 and I am in the lead) is just crazy and I would bet you money that there are at least one or two people sitting there with popcorn watching our dumbness…going…look at these two *eyeroll* (I didn’t actually eyeroll…I mean eyeroll is like super duper bad, I’m just pointing out THEY are probably eyerolling (look at that save) 🙂

      • Ok I had to giggle at the eyeroll! and I think they’re still on vacation so we’re good, well at least I am…I think they have a red alert button on your posts…now THAT will be interesting 😉

      • See? this is why I said…ALL of the all of them? Cause really…it would just be monotonous (check out THAT big word) I will totally say you are in the lead though 😉

      • You do realize pleading the fifth is a cop out? come on…embrace your badassedness! You’re doing SO well! hehe

      • and technically that’s not a bad word. 🙂 cause there’s two other words around it. and Isa Ixnay girlie!!!! lol

      • Oohhhh LMAO!! This is what we call “deflecting” 🙂 you’re goooood! I’m getting the popcorn and candy out…cue the Hamlet!

      • * This weekends postings have been a service announcment on what to NOT say/do as a sub/bottom, brought to you by Isabella and Piper. To those of you who asked us for examples, you are welcome 🙂

  4. I looked up self spanking on line. IT’S REAL!! I can’t believe people can do that to themselves. i have trouble cutting a fingernail that’s broken down too low. Been wearing a bandaid on my finger for a week now. It would be easier to find a stranger and pay him to spank me.

    I’ve written to SJ a couple of times, but may not be using the right e-mail address, cause I haven’t heard back from him. Or he may not have had time to answer yet. I did ask a lot of questions.

    Did any of you check out the Spank Seek site yet? Lots of questions to answer. Gonna have to come up with some answers before I go there again!

      • SJ,
        I can’t find your emails and I really want to read them. I checked the junk file to make sure they hadn’t gone there, but they weren’t there either. Please don’t yell at me. I’m sorry I sounded bitchy in my post.

        • Ok just to kinda slide into the conversation, I also sent an email, thought your note was code for…piper you spaz, send an apology email for your um shenanigans…so I did but I didn’t get an answer. Maybe it’s your email SJ? Although, I just thought my apology was the epitome of apologies and was sufficient and effective and did not warrent a return email but maybe it’s yahoo or whoever the heck runs email space? 🙂

    • Want to hear something funny after all this self-spanking talk? I work part time in a Hallmark shop and in our gag gift section is a -you guessed it – wooden birthday paddle that you can wright on and use!! We just got it in. Think someone is trying to tell me something? 🙂

      • Did you hear ominous music start playing when you saw that? Give in and just buy the paddle now. SJ will probably tell all of us to get one sooner or later. (Kind of hoping that’s a joke) (A respectful kind of joke.)

    • how true I am sure it could do you some good ..also I am not getting your emails I am not ignoring you Isabella SJ

  5. I think I’m ok with the smoking for now. Probably won’t have one unless I have a couple of drinks. Will power always seems to go away with a couple of White Russians. Nikki was yanking my chain about the self spanking thing, right?

    • no it seems you have alot of bad habits i can help you but you are not really ready to be accountable ..I did answer your emails just so you know and all my subbies i have trained become very skillful at self spanking SJ

      • SJ, How can you tell when someone is ready to be accountable? How will I know? I’ll send you another email address and maybe you can forward your emails to me if it’s not too much trouble. Thank you.

    • Isabella , do you know how much harm you are doing to your body drinking that much diet coke? look up the research and yes I can certainly break you of that are not scared right? after all you said i am just a big teddy bear SJ

  6. Nikki,
    OMG, no, I’ve never heard of self spanking. I don’t have anyone to spank me, so I thought I was pretty safe. Can I delete everything I’ve put on here today? I’m sitting here thinking all the words that SJ won’t let me type on here. Thanks for the heads up and the ulcer. lol

      • Piper,
        Wouldn’t you think that having to type out our conversations would make us more careful of what we say? I like your idea of the SS red alert backspace button!

        • Yeah, you would think and “Ushhay aboutway ethay anking hespay ightmay orgetfay” 🙂 In reference to the smoking; try ice water, really REALLY cold ice water (hence the name lol) and drink it when you have a craving. Gum can work and also hot salsa. You’ve been smoke free so long, don’t fall back into it!

        • Yeah especially when you look at something you’ve written and go…”huh…that sounded MUCH better in my head” lol and then you could engage the super secret red alert backspace button instead of going…well crud

    • How come you cant get spanked? Is it because you don’t have someone to spank you or is there a physical reason? Because if its because you dont have someone- have you ever heard of self spanking? I will let SJ tell you about it lol

      Love Nikki

  7. SJ,
    Thank you. I’m going to try some of your advice as soon as I have time. I do think you enjoy having another opportunity to tell us to be respectful and say “Sir”. I just imagine you smiling as you type that sentence!
    The advice on knowing what I’m looking for in a relationship was interesting. Gonna have to put some thought into it before going on line.
    On a totally different subject, are you allowed to tell us to not do something? I quit smoking in January, 2012 and this last week I’ve been having really strong cravings for a cigarette. Can you do the dom thing and tell me not to smoke? If not any help from anyone out there would be appreciated.

  8. I agree with Lisa Sir. =) Just need to find other sites than yours since I live in a different country. The advices are really good no matter which country you live in. Thank you Sir.

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