I have a friend who is involved with a new DD that she met on Fetlife. He is smart, kind, even tempered and mature—proving that there are SOME good guys out there. Sadly, they are often buried under the myriads of claimers and wannabes- you just need to sift through the trash and find them. It takes time and patience, and the determination not to settle until the right match is found.
We are trying to ‘learn’ him the ropes—in other words—Subby Laws AKA Ways to Weasel. She sent me this article (below) that she found somewhere (I don’t have the reference, so if anyone knows, I would like to credit the author). I thought was very good- added a few tweaks.
This post is for both future Doms and subs to hopefully glean from. Before you even begin- decide what you want. Full time? Part time? Weekend warrior? Fantasy? What type of relationship do you want to emulate? Is it real or imagined?
Your profile reflects you- including your lift of fetishes and the groups you are involved in, as do the pictures you post. How you represent yourself is the type of people you will attract. CAREFULLY read the profiles, fetish lists and groups of your contacts. You will be surprised as to what they reveal. Do you really want to sub to a guy who is into something like (paraphrase) beating the sub to unconsciousness and choking her? I don’t judge fetishes, but way too many woman are being seriously harmed because these jerks take what they list as a fetish as consent. Unbelievable, but true.
Most important- are you stable (mentally, emotionally, socially) enough to BE in a relationship? Is he? Just a head’s up—if you meet someone on places like fet- read their posts/discussions/interaction with other people. If the individual is a hot head, jumps to conclusions, back peddles, chases his tail, attacks or simply just a dumbass, run. Like the wind. That ugly temper will come back to haunt you when he does not have another target. Apparently, this type of aggressive, unprovoked and confrontational behavior is becoming commonplace on group discussions- don’t engage. That pisses them off too, because all they want is a fight. Bullies like to get a rise out of people they think are weak. It is what they do because they are insecure, don’t have a life, or are just plain mean. Don’t give them the power to believe they won. Don’t give them the personal information they demand to ‘prove’ yourself. Don’t give them the time of day- just report them to the moderators. Eventually, they will get banned and hang themselves for being idiots. It does not take long for other group members to see them for what they are and they turn themselves into a laughingstock. Also know that most of them are too stupid to even understand what they are talking about anyway and make up for having a tiny penis by showing forth a big, ugly mouth.
My opinion- for what it’s worth, lol!
Weed out the crap. Understand that there are as many different ways to life the lifestyle as there are people. TITLES ARE EARNED OVER TIME. Just because someone makes a claim to be a Dom, a Daddy, or whatever, does not make him one, any more than putting a collar around your own neck makes you a true sub. The top and bottom traits must be nurtured and anyone jumping into titling is someone to beware of.
Get references. Demand to talk to those who DON’T care for him/her. They will reveal much more than those who like him/her. Yep, I did this with John’s first wife and an ex-girlfriend. Unless they have something to hide or are afraid that something will be revealed, they will give the info to you along with the truth- hopefully show some responsibility for their actions. Remember, it’s a two way street. The more excuses and justification you hear, the more suspicious you need to be. Follow through, too. Don’t be afraid to discover the truth! Better now than down the line when he/she repeats the same offense that caused the previous relationship to dissolve in the first place. If you are afraid to ask/contact references, or he/she won’t give them- see that as a huge warning sign. This goes for the tops/Doms as well- be careful! Fatal attraction exists in all forms.
I was very impressed when my friend’s new Dom contacted us. He was genuinely interested in who she is, her background and interaction, and the relationship she has with us. To me, it showed integrity- something severely lacking in the hedonistic world. He is entering the relationship informed (she was not one of the crazies, btw, lol) and my only hope is for her to have happiness she deserves.
If you are afraid of learning or knowing the history of someone, recognize that as a serious problem.
Incidentally, there are only three subs we have ever ‘fired’ from our lives- each was selfish, jealous, and disrespectful of boundaries. All three pursued John behind my back (I DON’T SHARE MY HUSBAND) and used me to try to gain his attention. That betrayal of trust resulted in instant removal. Of the three, two had been collared (and decollared) and there was only one who we considered pathologically dangerous. The sickos come from both directions, folks! An intelligent person can determine the difference between a personality clash vs something like, let’s say, moral and criminal behavior. One can be over looked- the other- RED FLAG. This goes for both tops and bottoms alike.
Just an FYI- if you are involved with someone who has/has had a significant control/jealousy/victim issue and has acted out and destroyed relationships because of it- AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS. That monster will come back to roost. Trust me- been then, done that. Same thing with issues like screwing around, instigating problems, theft… A few moments of gratification is not worth years of suffering. Been there, done that. On more than one occasion, I hate to say.
- YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness. Even in total power-exchange, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated). The choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own. When in a situation or relationship, take the time to know one another and learn body languages. Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent. If your partner has a problem with your honest boundaries- get the hell out of dodge! Unless it is something you enjoy, never allow him/her to manipulate you into doing something uncomfortable. Boundaries.
- Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it (BIG TIME) so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly. Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it. Someone who claims to ‘know’ what you want, or tries to turn it so it is all about him, is an arrogant jerk. Again, get the hell out of Dodge.
- Know what you like. Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Read books, ask questions, and experiment with yourself. Most of you know my opinion regarding the party mentality- but I see nothing wrong with attending an event at a safe and well run club. Do not attend alone, though. You can also contact an EXPERIENCED dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself and your partner.
- Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy. Just because they claim the title and have 500 friends on their profile doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself.You were given an instinct to protect yourself. USE IT. Then sick Mama Bear on them.
- Bottoming is not the same as submitting. Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker either.
- If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate. Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it! Again, if you feel you are being pushed into something- run. Oh- and do not be quick to ‘attach’ yourself to a Dom/Daddy in your profile. It makes you look desperate and him (especially if he is new to the scene) look like a wannabe. Respect the time to develop the relationship.
- Be honest about who you are. Are you poly? Monogamous? Bisexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. If people don’t want to care for you, warts and all, then find ones who will. This is NOT about the psycho stuff or criminal activity. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
- Don’t’ be afraid to say no! Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent. Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safe wording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly. ANYONE- Dom, sub, friend, brother, sister, etc- who refuses to accept and respect your NO is dangerous. Been there, done that too!
- Don’t compare yourself to others. A big problem we have had in the past is that our subs talked amongst themselves and compared notes. For mature and responsible adults- no problem. Unfortunately, a few of ours were neither and it caused all sorts of jealousy, back biting and destruction. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable. And you will make everyone else around you miserable as well.
- Ask questions. Seriously. Ask people who really know- not just say they do. If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK. If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
- Sometimes submission just sucks. Recognize that there is a difference between being a submissive and being a slave. For John and me, submissive means releasing my control to his authority. We discuss everything, interact like a regular couple, have separate interests and share common activities. He physically serves ME more than I serve him, take care of me, and assures that I am happy, healthy and strong. My job? To please him. Even if it means he wants to put me on a gauntlet ‘just because’ he is feeling sadistic and NO is not an option. My own definition of submission is like love- when you place another person’s happiness as being greater than your own. If both partners adopt this, then you can’t help but be happy. Even if sore…
- You don’t have to like something in order to do it. OMG, I hear this all the time. I say I don’t like it. He says he does. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s okay- and so is whining.
- Perfection is not required.* You WILL mess up You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself. Incidentally, John LOVES it when I F* up. Gives him another reason to go to the torture room.
- Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick. Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then its cover. Always know that!
- Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play. You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!
I want to thank my friend again for this article. Wishing everyone a safe and Spanking Christmas!
Luvs,
Bree