Are you a Survivor or a Thriver? A Victim or a Victor?

Hello, my darlings! There has been a lot of questions directed at me lately about triggers, psychological play, and labels- and many of you have courageously shared your stories and the journey you have taken.

John and I share our lives openly with you- much of it is amusing and playful, but there is also another side that is not. I promised all of you that I would allow myself to be vulnerable and show that, no matter how old we are, or how many years in the lifestyle we have lived, that growth, change and self-awareness should forever be in a perpetual, forward motion.

I am going to make this statement to begin- and re-clarify later- I was a survivor of childhood sexual and ritual abuse. For years, I employed the tools of survival to function… avoidance, hiding in shadows, overachieving, defensiveness, overeating, self-stabbing to feel… My life was mentally dictated by my abusers and I functioned in constant fear, shame and guilt. Bluntly, I was a freaking mess.

When I started my MA program in psych, one of the requirements was that we went through therapy. The instructors wanted us to see what is felt like to be ‘on the other side’. That was when the reality that I had just been surviving (functioning day to day without growth) as a victim (the abusers still lived rent free in my head). I was challenged to thrive (evolve and grow beyond the abuse) and become a victor (remove the power the abusers had over my actions).

I am no longer a survivor of abuse- I thrive happily as a victor over those events and have taken back control of my thoughts, my emotions and my life. That part of my past has lost all power to either harm, or silence me.

I confess that there are still things that I merely function in (survive), and that I struggle not to allow certain abuses/words have power over me (victim)- but it is the recognition that they are there and that I am taking steps to be free of them that allows me to repaint my life on a fresh canvas. I’m also very blessed to have a strong, loving supportive partner and genuine friends to stand by me on that journey.

I ask this question of you because so often we ‘stick’ with a label we have given ourselves, not realizing that we have either allowed ourselves to stay in that same place- or acknowledge that we have stepped out of it. Many people, myself included, entered the lifestyle because it gave us permission to feel where the world would not. Others, ladened with guilt and self loathing, came into it because they felt they deserved more abuse and hoped to find it here. And there are even those who found that the dynamic allowed a way to work through anger, pain, neglect, and fear. There are as any reasons for being here as there are people- right or wrong is not for us to judge but to try to understand and encourage a healthy direction

I love you guys!


4 thoughts on “Crossroads

  1. Good question, Miss Breanna. I don’t know. I don’t like to look at the past and I never take time to look at the present. I’m at University now and I’m only thinking about my future.

  2. I’m not living the lifestyle, but have wanted to partly because as a self harmer, and issues with ED I wanted to be heald accountable when I engage in thoes behaviors. I also at 1st felt very strongly that I needed to feel pain than feel nothing at all. And Maybe thru feeling pain in a healthy way I go let go of the destructive behaviors

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