Finding A Dom Online…

frustrated

 

It seems that this is a topic you are all interested in. Ok my lovelies, let me lead you down this path carefully. Trust me, I will not let you fall. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, what is it that I really want? Do you want a weekend spanking partner,  a serious D/s relationship, an age play relationship? Are you seeking real atonement for misbehaviors or just more role play?  Or perhaps your desires may even lean darker, maybe  bondage, or more of an S&M relationship or experience.

Ok, once you know what you want, you need to put out some feelers. As much as you would like it, the perfect Dom is not going to just knock on your door one day  and say “hi looking for me?”  You are going to have to find him, or at least put yourself out there so he can find you. So for the purposes of this post, lets say you want a D/s relationship, with spanking as the consequence for your misbehavior. There are some sites like Spank Seek  where you can make a profile and search for a Dom. Or  Shadowlane  and Nu West that have advertisements in their magazines. You want to stay away from sites like  alt.com , which is more s&m, and anything that does not have spanking or D/s or DD in the description.

So lets say you are on spanking.com… You  need to put up an ad and also get into some chat rooms.  Your ad needs to be honest-not only what you are seeking but what you are not. When describing yourself also be honest. Trust me, nothing bugs a Dom more than setting up a session with someone and finding out they are not anything like they described themselves to be. Been there,  got a t-shirt and a very uncomfortable evening out of it. So truth, truth, and more truth. So you put up your ad and look, you have a response. Actually, you have alot of responses, so now what do you do?   You respond in kind and see if the prospective “Mr. Right” Dom, wants to chat.

So now you are in chat, what do you say? Well first its always a good sign to say sir and be respectful.  Tell him your needs, and find out his.  Remember, keep it honest. Now pay attention, this is really important and I want all of you to sit up as you are reading this, and pay attention. If he mentions sex, say thank you for responding and get out! No real Dom will bring up sex in a first chat or a first session. Also, no bondage ever, unless you have a trusting relationship. Really trusting, You need to put yourself out there, but you need to feel safe. I always tell nubie subs to rent the movie Strangeland.  That  movie demonstrate how careful you have to be.

Chat should be fun for you. He should elicit that tingle, with what he says and how he says it. Then, you may want to go a step further and meet. I am going to do my next post on rules for a first session which you will need to burn into your little subbie memories as they are vital in this scene.

As always, be good or else.

SJ

PROPER SUB BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC

angel

So I see all of you are interested in two main subjects. I will talk about the first one in this blog post, and will address the second in my next post. So how is a sub supposed to act in public with her Dom? Well the simple answer my lovelies, is as he orders her too. But  as you have all seen in these posts, simple is not really the way of the D/s lifestyle.

 

First and foremost, the sub must never create any kind of public scene. How many times have you seen couples yelling at each other in a restaurant, or standing in line for a movie? In the D/s world this never happens. And if it does, it is up to the top to make sure it never happens a second time. You see, when you are out with your Dom you reflect all his training, anything positive, or negative. One of the most serious behaviors my sub can commit is to reflect badly on my training in public.

 

A Dom treasures his sub. When she is out with him, he wants to show her off. He wants the world to see how well behaved she is. How she speaks, how she walks, how she  sits at the table, all reflect back to the Dom. Now some Doms, myself included, may want a specific action from his sub. I have told Bre to make sure when we sit down at a restaurant or in the car, to have her bb touching the leather or cloth material .This is usually after a good spanking, as I believe a sub must be spanked before going out in public, to remind them of just how they are to behave.

 

Now the other side of the coin is the Dom must never mistreat his sub, or cause any negativity to befall her while he is out with her. This is a two-way street. A sub must always be treated with respect and kindness. A Dom must be a gentleman in the world. Hold doors open, speak softly, etc.. Just because she is out with a top, does not mean he can or should order her around and embarrass her. But, if misbehavior occurs it can be delt with in a couple of ways. A trip to the car for a bb brushing (I always keep a brush in the glove compartment just in case). Or he can just softly tell his submissive, “this will be taken care of as soon as we get home.” If the top has a vibe, these words will be enough to stop any bad behavior.

 

And the punishment for any public outburst is severe indeed, but thats another post.   So… Let me know what you think, and remember, some of you have been a bit lax in the respect department  WHEN POSTING. I do not want to see that again from any of you,       be good or else!

 

SJ

The Dom Dynamic & Balance

 

scales of justice

Wow this sounds lofty…Well, not really. You see ladies, I was inspired today to write this. I just finished the rough draft of Blindfolded. OK no pouting, it is part of the perks of being married to the beautiful and amazing, Breanna Hayse, so get over it. OK,  this is an amazing book. Maybe her best yet, and as you know, that’s saying something. The female character and the male character dynamic is really so close to Bree and I…OK duh, he is called Master J, but that’s not the point. As I was reading, I was struck by just how important balance is, in a Dom, and how it is essential in a Dom/sub relationship. Hey some Dom’s do not want to admit it, but we all have the dark/light yin/yang female/male characteristics. Now this is the tricky part; go too far one way, and you will be an abusive jerk. Too far the other, and you will be too passive to ever get a sub to respect or obey you. A Dom needs to be an example for his sub. He must always protect and treasure her. In fact, I treat Bree like a queen every day. Go ahead, ask her, hopefully she will back me up or I will look really lame here.

 

Now does that mean she walks all over me? No. Does it mean she has no rules?   No. Does it mean I hold back if she is deserving of punishment? No, no, and no.  But the balance must be there. A Dom must be fair, and just, and as I said, he must set an example for his sub. If a Dom says no smoking, he cannot smoke. If he says no speeding, he cannot speed. At least this is how I operate. I would never punish Bree for an offense that I am also guilty of. Here’s the tough part again, balance.

 

How do you, as a Dom, command respect and obedience, without being overbearing, or worse, abusive?  But, also loving and kind enough to nurture  your relationship, without being too weak to command anything. Well it’s not easy, let me tell you. But I think it can be simplified in a way. As I said, I treat Bree like a treasure, which she is. I put all my energy into letting her know this, and feel it. But when she disobeys, it’s the same energy- but it turns to my darker side.

 

The commitment I have to Bree to be loving caring etc. is just as strong when I need to be strict, or even severe. Although truth be told, in the last 9 years maybe 5 times have I had to be severe. Bree is a very, very, good sub. But for her to feel secure and protected, and yes, loved, she needs to know I have both sides… Wait for it…right! Balance. Even when a punishment is difficult to administer, yes that happens even though I love getting Bree’s beautiful bb cherry red, there are times she needs more than just my hand. And once I decree she’s to be punished, I never back down. Unless she has a valid reason for her behavior, or maybe going through, or just emerging from a traumatic event. Come on, I am not a monster ladies.

 

Well you will see when you read blindfolded. Anyway, IMO, to make a true 24/7 D/s relationship work- which is what Bree and I have – the Dom must be balanced. Equally yin/yang, etc. If you are a subbie looking for a Dom, this is imperative for you. Never settle for less, it will not work. For those of you in happy relationships, you already know this. Well that’s all for now.

 

Be good, or else!

 

SJ

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Meeting A New Dom/Domme For The First Time

 

Sir John here. I would like to address the do’s and dont’s of setting up an in-person session and how to act during it. For simplicity sake, I am using the term applicable to a M/F scenario and am addressing female subs but everything I say can be applied to any sub, male or female. The general guide should be helpful… whether you are looking to explore a Dom dynamic with a male or female or if you are a guy/gal interested in developing your Dom/Domme chops. OK here is a list and I will expound upon each point.

1. Where can I meet a Dom?      

Good question! I would say the best way is to visit some websites. spanking.com has some good ads. If you want more S&M maybe alt.com -but we are not dealing with that level here. Read reviews! If someone has had a bad experience, they will post it. Don’t be afraid to email him/her and ask for details. You can also contact the site manager to see is any complaints have been placed against the user. I also suggest the same be done for the Dom… I have had my own bad experiences with subs who weren’t exactly what they claimed to be!

2. How do I know I am talking to a real Dom and not a wanna be Dom?

Well, you don’t really, but there are some signs you can look for that will indicate he is at least in the ballpark. He should be very nice, but very firm when discussing your behaviors. A “young lady I will not tolerate that” or “It seems to me you need to be accountable for your actions” are good signs that this is a real Dom. If he says you should call him Sir while chatting, that’s good – as long as it is not done the wrong way. This is the wrong way: “You will call me sir, and speak only when spoken to you, tramp.” Hello? Are you there? Well, of course you are not, this guy is a jerk and more of a ‘wanna be Dom’. But if he said something like this: “I assume you have had little training, as its customary to refer to a Dom as Sir as a matter of respect.” Then you can choose to say “yes sir” or brat, and make a smart remark. He will know how to handle it. Like Breanna says, if he can’t treat me like a lady, then I cannot trust him to be a gentleman.

3. The meeting.

Lets say you have talked for at least two weeks. Yes, at least. You must get to know one another and not be afraid to ask the vital questions. Look for consistency, too and a little bit of humility. A man who has the absolute need to constantly toot his own horn is usually one that has some insecurities. If you have doubts, then wait a while until you are positive that he is stable and consistent. He must also be a person of integrity who works on his own self-improvement and personal goals. Now that you have decided it is time to meet, remember this one thing…this is non negotiable…. never, ever go to his house! Always insist your first meeting be in a public place. A restaurant, coffee shop etc.If he balks at this, move on, he is not thinking of your safety and a true Dom would be.

4. After your coffee or dinner, you find that you like one another, and you feel he may be the Dom you have been waiting for. Is it ok to have  a session that evening?  

I would say yes, if it is done safely. That means he has a hotel room. He arrives first. You never ride with him. After he is settled, ask the clerk at the desk if he is there and get his room number. Make sure the clerk will remember you. I would also encourage you to have a friend call you at the hotel at a certain time.   Seems a bit much? Well look, you do not know this man and soon you will be bare from the waist down in a position to be disciplined. Kind of scary right? A true Dom will understand you are kind of freaked out and will take things slow with you. You should tell him that if you say you are serious, that you are having difficulty breathing or with anxiety, etc. that he should stop.I would think a real Dom could punish you just fine with just his hand, but he may insist on some implements depending or your offenses. you need to discuss this prior to meeting. Will he use implements? Will you be marked? He may refuse to tell you and, in that case, you need to decide if you want to pursue this with him or not. Which brings me to number 5-safe words.

SPANKING

5. Safe Words?

On this topic, I have a rather controversial point of view. My opinion is that if you are playing-say doing a role play-bad secretary, etc. then safe words are fine. But if you are seeking real discipline, for actual bad behaviors that you are working on; speeding, smoking, drugs, drinking, etc. In these cases, I do not believe in safe words. I have done many sessions over the years and the majority of women said they came to me because they had used a safe word previously and stopped the spanking before they felt truly punished. Where as after our session, they did feel truly punished, and could get rid of the guilt. I am not saying do not use a safe word ever, that is up to you. But if you need to atone, you will be disappointed with a safe word. Trust me. Oh, FYI, Breanna has tried for years to incorporate a safe word (she loves to find ways to weasel) and my response is always the same… Do you trust me to do what is best for you? Trust takes time to build which is why I insist on taking as much time as you feel you need to learn about each other.

IMPORTANT! There are some psychological issues that sometimes come up, especially during a first session. This is where honesty and trust must come into play. Let your Dom know if you have any concerns about things, as well as if you are on any medications (blood thinners, aspirin, seizure meds), etc. that might affect your session. Honesty must go both ways!

6. Behavior during a session.

A lot of new subbies ask me how they should act during a session. Should I obey everything immediately? Not struggle or complain, etc? Well, here is the deal…. I would recommend a little bratting and a little resistance. My reason is because you need to know that the Dom can control you. If you are able to struggle and get off his lap, or call him names and get away with it, that’s pretty much game over. So give him a little challenge. We Doms kind of enjoy that anyway and it will show you if you are on the right track with the right Dom for you. But while on the subject, let me reiterate, a real Dom never ever yells or curses you or degrades you. If this happens, leave immediately and save yourself a big hassle later on.

NOTE: Some subs like ‘humiliation’ and name calling…. Establish a comfortable and safe relationship with your Dom prior to exploring this genre. Let him know your ‘deal breakers’ in both words and actions.

7. After your discipline…

Here is the truth. If this is a real punishment, it’s going to be painful. Depending on what you are being punished for, coupled with the skill and the strength of the Dom, it could be very, very painful. Tears would not be uncommon, nor would some marks, bruising, or welts. Another vital component to a real Dom is having a caring and understanding vibe after your punishment. He may decide on corner time, but he should also hold you and let you cry it out if you need to. He should also verbalize forgiveness so you can let the guilt go. Breanna also liked to be told that I was proud of her for accepting her needs, which helped her feel less ‘weird’. One cool thing about this arrangement is when its over, it is over. No guilt, no holding grudges. A clean slate. After you leave, the Dom should call you to make sure you got home safely. After that, it is up to the two of you to decide if this was a one time adventure or the real deal. Time will tell. Never settle. If you are careful and smart, you will find the Dom you have been Jonesing for.

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