Learning to Swim

Hello lovelies,

You are probably asking yourselves, what the heck does learning to swim have to do with D/s?

Glad you asked!

I heard something the other day, actually a line from one of my favorite tv shows…no, not the torture hour…The Big Bang Theory.

To paraphrase “I can swim. I learned how by watching videos and practicing on the floor.” It occurred to me that the absurdity of this can be applied to D/s. You really cannot know what it’s like to really swim unless you get in the water so it is with D/s or even spanking. You can watch all the vids you want and read all of Bree’s books (hey I’ve got to give props when they are due) but you can never know what a true D/s session is like without participating in one. For that matter you won’t even know what a real bb spanking feels like until you get one.

It’s a scary thing to meet someone for a potential session, I know, but until you do you have no idea what it’s like or what a spanking will feel like. It isn’t going to feel like your fantasies trust me. You will not believe how much a punishment spanking hurts. I can tell you fantasies, stories, vids, they all make no difference, just like the swimming analogy. You have to jump into the water…metaphorically speaking of course.

So give it a try, be careful, but if you really are jonsing for the real thing there is only one way for you to know what it’s like. Jump into the deep end and learn to swim. After all both revolve around learning about strokes, lol.

Be good, or else…

SJ

A Word of Warning

warning_1Predators are closer than you think. In fact, several of them even host blogs that you read. I had a reader drop me an email that was very disturbing concerning a particular poster. I had heard about this person before- she had used the story of death and abandonment (children, parents, husband), despair and woe (all lies) to get fans, sympathy and money. It’s been brought to my attention that she was exposed, but now her blog is back up and she is making claims that the lies were based on real people.

No comment. I don’t follow her. Enough said.

The internet- especially blogs- are filled with lies. Many are for privacy purposes- like changing names and locations to protect the writers and families. That is totally acceptable. Oh, and what woman doesn’t lie about her age and weight? No problem, and usually laughable. I always lie about my age- but I can get away with it because I look a lot younger than my 98 years.

When the lies are used to manipulate people’s emotions and their pocketbooks- that is where we must draw the line. When the lies make people believe someone is living a life that doesn’t exist- and uses that to gain support for a con job- we have to say NO!

DO NOT send money to anyone unless you actually know them (that means meet face to face, spend time- real time- with them)

DO NOT give anyone your passwords or access to your private account. Identify theft and blackmail are real issues, and there are people who will steal emails/chats to alter them with your name on it, and then delete them from your account to eliminate the original (been there, done that). Homeland Security loves to investigate people who are reported to do this- so report them immediately (including any records you have of their admission).

DO NOT give anyone your credit card number- not even to buy my books. I don’t care how bad you feel for them- tell them to get a job and pay for their own.

DO SAVE any correspondence that asks (or hints) for money, admits/boasts of ANY violation of boundaries (ie entering private accounts, stalking the internet for your information, etc), or starts going off on an obscene story that you need to check the details later. Keep copies of these in hard form with the header on it.

Most of all- RUN LIKE HELL from anyone who asks for or does any of the above and DO NOT look back.

John and I put ourselves out there. Many of you have met us face to face- been to our home, shared meals and spent one on one time with (I love to meet my fans). Many have spoken with us on the phone. Many have even seen my ‘atta girl’ wall with my degrees and USMC discharge (proving my education and experience is exactly what I say it is). I have nothing personal to hide and am very open about who and what I am. John as well- he doesn’t announce to his vanilla friends who we are or what we do because he believes in privacy- but he won’t deny if asked.

Protect yourselves, my darlings. Please. And if you know of anyone involved in such heinous actions, speak up. Protect yourselves and each other.

Luvs,

Bree

Feeling Special

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Hey lovelies,

In a D/s relationship it’s very important to be supportive and make each other feel special. I can tell you my philosophy for dealing with a sub: she is revered and very special.

There is another side to this, however, how does the sub feel? I can tell you that in my relationship with Bree she makes me feel special daily. For example, she made my favorite brownies the other night. It may not seem like a big deal but it made me feel special.

D/s is a two way street. I feel as a Dom I should make a sub feel special, wanted and supported.

As subbies you also have that responsibility. The reason D/s works so well for me and Bree is that we both believe in making each other feel special. It’s not perfect, nothing is, but it’s pretty close.

I also believe as a Dom, if the sub knows you truly care and have her best interest at heart she is more likely to want to behave properly. Just as I, as a Dom, want to help a subbie who shows me she really cares about changing and learning.

Bree and my bond as Dom/sub is very very strong but also as vanilla husband and wife. It all spills over and affects both sides of the coin. So those of you with Doms do something special for him. It does not have to be a big deal, just show him he is appreciated and hopefully he will do the same. When it all works together there is nothing better.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Triggers and Safe Words

2015-03-02

Hello lovelies,

I wanted to discuss something that is very important, especially in new D/s relationships. As many of you know I do not use safe words for a punishment, however, I do for emotional triggers that may come up.

Triggers should always be discussed before any session. Some call them hard limits, but usually a hard limit is something you do not want to experience because of the pain or discomfort. Emotional triggers are a different animal.

Let’s say you meet a prospective Dom, all is good and you set up a meeting. It is going to be a punishment session but all is going well. Of course it hurts more than you could have imagined and you are yelling loud enough for the hotel to call security but, hey that’s how it should be, lol. You have gotten hand, paddle and then a cane is produced and without an emotional safe word to discuss your panic the Dom just figures you are whiny and protesting like you have been doing for the entire session. Going with that assumption he uses it on you and you panic and freak out etc. The Dom has no idea what’s going on and is desperately trying to calm you down.

If you had discussed triggers beforehand you could have told him you had a very bad experience with a cane and were hurt badly or would otherwise react negatively. Without letting him know he has no idea what may set you off and he needs to know. This is why I always discuss things that may come up in a session or that could cause panic before.

When you talk to a prospective Dom and are setting up a meeting, make sure you tell him about the emotional minefield he needs to navigate. A true Dom will respect these triggers and not force you into that situation. Bottom line…yes, of course pun intended…I do not believe in safe words for pain or discomfort but yes I do for a potential emotional breakdown. A lot can happen, especially in a first time session. The more the Dom knows about you the better for both of you.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Proper Protocol

 

2015-02-16

Hello lovelies,

Thought I would point out some things which as subbies you should know. Let me state this is how I teach and is not the only way by any means, it’s just one way.

Apologizing:

Though saying you’re sorry may work in the vanilla word in D/s it’s not enough. For proper protocol you should kneel, head to the floor with arms straight out and bb high. The appropriate apology goes something like, “I’m sorry for my behavior Sir. Please punish me.” No I’m not kidding this is the proper procedure as far as I am concerned.

Asking for a favor:

This could be anything from a subspace session to wanting a pleasure spanking but begins with the position same as above. In this instance bending over works, as does laying bb up over my lap before asking. You also have the option of presenting the implement you want. Of course your behavior has to be such you deserve a reward.

Response to questions:

This is one thing subbies struggle with as most of you lovelies are total control freaks and love to have the last word. The proper response is always “yes Sir” or “no Sir” if appropriate. If you disagree with an order do not argue or whine about it. Learn to say yes Sir with the knowledge that your Dom knows what’s best for you and cares about you enough to keep you in line.

Response to learning you are due for a session:

A simple “yes Sir” is your go to response. There should be no hesitation and if it has been established where the punishment will take place go there and wait preferably bb in corner. It will show willingness to submit and respect for your teachings.

Now, I get you are all rolling your eyes and chanting no way Mr. meanie crazy person  right? I am just telling you the proper way a submissive should act. I am not saying I think you all will do it, although for those of you that do, it will get you major points with your Dom. See I am always thinking of you all and how I can help you. So just a little heads up so you don’t end up bottoms up lol.

Be good, or else…

SJ

To Brat or Not to Brat

2015-01-20

Hello lovelies,

I wanted to clarify something right out front: A brat is different than a sub who has some bratty behaviors. No I am not crazy, well not entirely, lol.

You see a Dom will run the other way faster than George Lucas will change the Star Wars franchise, if he encounters a brat.

What do I mean by a brat?

Think any reality show: Bad Girls, Jersey Girls, etc. Anything where the females feel entitled and argue and complain 24/7. If any of you are still looking online for a Dom, do not put you are a brat in your profile. Trust me you will never get a response, not from an experienced Dom anyway. You can put “can be bratty at times,” “like to get in trouble,” “push a bit,” etc. This is totally different.

Still not getting me? I was training a brat once, all she did was push, argue, lie, cuss, yell and feel she was entitled to everything in this world. It did not last long. I had to cut her loose as it was too much work, she was too high maintenance and way too much stress.

You see Dom’s expect a sub to exhibit bratty behavior from time to time: pouting, being sassy, procrastinating and other bad habits. But, a brat is just obnoxious, and Dom’s do not fight, nor argue with subs and this is all a brat wants to do. They want to be totally out of control and make every one miserable. So see ya wouldn’t want to be ya. I have no time for brats but will spend any amount of time a sub needs if she just has some bratty behaviors. Feel me?

So remember never put you are a brat in a profile, it’s like Dom kryptonite.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Domme to the Rescue! Finding Online Relationships

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I have a friend who is involved with a new DD that she met on Fetlife. He is smart, kind, even tempered and mature—proving that there are SOME good guys out there. Sadly, they are often buried under the myriads of claimers and wannabes- you just need to sift through the trash and find them. It takes time and patience, and the determination not to settle until the right match is found.

We are trying to ‘learn’ him the ropes—in other words—Subby Laws AKA Ways to Weasel. She sent me this article (below) that she found somewhere (I don’t have the reference, so if anyone knows, I would like to credit the author). I thought was very good- added a few tweaks.

This post is for both future Doms and subs to hopefully glean from. Before you even begin- decide what you want. Full time? Part time? Weekend warrior? Fantasy? What type of relationship do you want to emulate? Is it real or imagined?

Your profile reflects you- including your lift of fetishes and the groups you are involved in, as do the pictures you post. How you represent yourself is the type of people you will attract. CAREFULLY read the profiles, fetish lists and groups of your contacts. You will be surprised as to what they reveal. Do you really want to sub to a guy who is into something like (paraphrase) beating the sub to unconsciousness and choking her? I don’t judge fetishes, but way too many woman are being seriously harmed because these jerks take what they list as a fetish as consent. Unbelievable, but true.

Most important- are you stable (mentally, emotionally, socially) enough to BE in a relationship? Is he? Just a head’s up—if you meet someone on places like fet- read their posts/discussions/interaction with other people. If the individual is a hot head, jumps to conclusions, back peddles, chases his tail, attacks or simply just a dumbass, run. Like the wind. That ugly temper will come back to haunt you when he does not have another target. Apparently, this type of aggressive, unprovoked and confrontational behavior is becoming commonplace on group discussions- don’t engage. That pisses them off too, because all they want is a fight. Bullies like to get a rise out of people they think are weak. It is what they do because they are insecure, don’t have a life, or are just plain mean. Don’t give them the power to believe they won. Don’t give them the personal information they demand to ‘prove’ yourself. Don’t give them the time of day- just report them to the moderators. Eventually, they will get banned and hang themselves for being idiots. It does not take long for other group members to see them for what they are and they turn themselves into a laughingstock. Also know that most of them are too stupid to even understand what they are talking about anyway and make up for having a tiny penis by showing forth a big, ugly mouth.

My opinion- for what it’s worth, lol!

Weed out the crap. Understand that there are as many different ways to life the lifestyle as there are people. TITLES ARE EARNED OVER TIME.   Just because someone makes a claim to be a Dom, a Daddy, or whatever, does not make him one, any more than putting a collar around your own neck makes you a true sub. The top and bottom traits must be nurtured and anyone jumping into titling is someone to beware of.

Get references. Demand to talk to those who DON’T care for him/her. They will reveal much more than those who like him/her. Yep, I did this with John’s first wife and an ex-girlfriend. Unless they have something to hide or are afraid that something will be revealed, they will give the info to you along with the truth- hopefully show some responsibility for their actions. Remember, it’s a two way street. The more excuses and justification you hear, the more suspicious you need to be. Follow through, too. Don’t be afraid to discover the truth! Better now than down the line when he/she repeats the same offense that caused the previous relationship to dissolve in the first place. If you are afraid to ask/contact references, or he/she won’t give them- see that as a huge warning sign. This goes for the tops/Doms as well- be careful! Fatal attraction exists in all forms.

I was very impressed when my friend’s new Dom  contacted us. He was genuinely interested in who she is, her background and interaction, and the relationship she has with us. To me, it showed integrity- something severely lacking in the hedonistic world. He is entering the relationship informed (she was not one of the crazies, btw, lol) and my only hope is for her to have happiness she deserves.

If you are afraid of learning or knowing the history of someone, recognize that as a serious problem.

Incidentally, there are only three subs we have ever ‘fired’ from our lives- each was selfish, jealous, and disrespectful of boundaries. All three pursued John behind my back (I DON’T SHARE MY HUSBAND) and used me to try to gain his attention. That betrayal of trust resulted in instant removal. Of the three, two had been collared (and decollared) and there was only one who we considered pathologically dangerous. The sickos come from both directions, folks! An intelligent person can determine the difference between a personality clash vs something like, let’s say, moral and criminal behavior. One can be over looked- the other- RED FLAG. This goes for both tops and bottoms alike.

Just an FYI- if you are involved with someone who has/has had a significant control/jealousy/victim issue and has acted out and destroyed relationships because of it- AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS. That monster will come back to roost. Trust me- been then, done that. Same thing with issues like screwing around, instigating problems, theft… A few moments of gratification is not worth years of suffering. Been there, done that. On more than one occasion, I hate to say.

  1. YOU are in charge of your own safety and happiness. Even in total power-exchange, you do not give up your rights as a human being (unless that’s something you have negotiated). The choice to remain in an unsafe or miserable situation is your own. When in a situation or relationship, take the time to know one another and learn body languages. Use safe words, use safe calls, call upon friends who you can trust. Consent does matter, but you can always withdraw consent. If your partner has a problem with your honest boundaries- get the hell out of dodge! Unless it is something you enjoy, never allow him/her to manipulate you into doing something uncomfortable. Boundaries.
  2. Dominants are not mind readers- in fact they rather suck at it (BIG TIME) so be sure that you are stating your needs and your desires clearly. Do not expect to get what you want or need if you’re not willing to open your mouth and ask for it. Always be willing to open up the line of communication BEFORE play and ASK or DISCUSS it. Someone who claims to ‘know’ what you want, or tries to turn it so it is all about him, is an arrogant jerk. Again, get the hell out of Dodge.
  3. Know what you like. Know what you like and what you don’t like. If you don’t know, figure it out. Read books, ask questions, and experiment with yourself. Most of you know my opinion regarding the party mentality- but I see nothing wrong with attending an event at a safe and well run club. Do not attend alone, though. You can also contact an EXPERIENCED dominant you trust to show you things, or just plain ask. You need to know what you like or you are not going to be very happy and content with yourself and your partner.
  4. Not every “top” or “dominant” or big letter person is trustworthy. Just because they claim the title and have 500 friends on their profile doesn’t mean that you can trust them. Get references, listen to others, and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or like a “red flag” trust yourself.You were given an instinct to protect yourself. USE IT. Then sick Mama Bear on them.
  5. Bottoming is not the same as submitting. Just because someone plays with you or allows you to serve them doesn’t mean that you belong to them. It might lead to something more, it might not. Don’t be a stalker either.
  6. If you agree to rules, procedures, responsibilities, etc, do not constantly renegotiate. Agree to only what you are willing to do and then do that. If you can’t handle the agreement to begin with, don’t agree to it! Again, if you feel you are being pushed into something- run. Oh- and do not be quick to ‘attach’ yourself to a Dom/Daddy in your profile. It makes you look desperate and him (especially if he is new to the scene) look like a wannabe. Respect the time to develop the relationship.
  7. Be honest about who you are. Are you poly? Monogamous? Bisexual? HIV-positive? Got Herpes? Grow a spine and be honest about it. Don’t enter into a relationship trying to be something you are not. You’ll only end up miserable and hurting people. If people don’t want to care for you, warts and all, then find ones who will. This is NOT about the psycho stuff or criminal activity. This goes back to knowing yourself and what you want or would like to try.
  8. Don’t’ be afraid to say no! Don’t be afraid to safe word. Don’t be afraid to withdraw consent. Just don’t expect things to be all happy and wonderful and perfect after you do so. Saying no, safe wording and withdrawing consent should be the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. And if you aren’t willing to discuss it with the person directly, you sure as heck shouldn’t broadcast it publicly. ANYONE- Dom, sub, friend, brother, sister, etc- who refuses to accept and respect your NO is dangerous. Been there, done that too!
  9. Don’t compare yourself to others. A big problem we have had in the past is that our subs talked amongst themselves and compared notes. For mature and responsible adults- no problem. Unfortunately, a few of ours were neither and it caused all sorts of jealousy, back biting and destruction. If you can’t stand to be who you are and accept it and keep trying to play up to someone’s standards that aren’t yours then you will be miserable. And you will make everyone else around you miserable as well.
  10. Ask questions. Seriously. Ask people who really know- not just say they do. If you don’t know about something- ASK. If you want to know about a certain toy or type of play ASK. If you want someone to explain protocol to you, ASK. Attend classes, go to workshops, find a mentor, but please, ask questions. “No one ever told me” is a terrible excuse when there are a wealth of people willing to explain things if you’d just ask.
  11. Sometimes submission just sucks. Recognize that there is a difference between being a submissive and being a slave. For John and me, submissive means releasing my control to his authority. We discuss everything, interact like a regular couple, have separate interests and share common activities. He physically serves ME more than I serve him, take care of me, and assures that I am happy, healthy and strong. My job? To please him. Even if it means he wants to put me on a gauntlet ‘just because’ he is feeling sadistic and NO is not an option. My own definition of submission is like love- when you place another person’s happiness as being greater than your own. If both partners adopt this, then you can’t help but be happy. Even if sore…
  12. You don’t have to like something in order to do it. OMG, I hear this all the time. I say I don’t like it. He says he does. If you are taking the cane because you know it makes the dominant happy, be honest about that. It’s okay- and so is whining.
  13. Perfection is not required.* You WILL mess up You will get yelled at, dressed down, ignored, put aside, punished and possibly even dismissed. You WILL forget something major, something minor or some rule. You will screw this up. Instead of worrying about every little potential mistake, do the best you can with what you have at all times. No one can fault you if you are trying your best. Especially not yourself. Incidentally, John LOVES it when I F* up. Gives him another reason to go to the torture room.
  14. Don’t trust a pretty smile, a big whip, or a big dick. Just because someone looks the part of a “perfect dominant” doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Clothes and toys don’t make a dominant effective. Having a whip in the bag doesn’t mean they know how to use it properly. Don’t trust appearances only, there’s always more than just what’s on the surface. There is much more to the book then its cover. Always know that!
  15. Don’t play with someone you’ve never seen play unless someone you trust has seen them play. You have no idea what you are getting into and you might be signing on for something that is not comfortable and could be potentially very dangerous to you! There are abusers, serial killers and manipulating people in this world so PLAY SAFE!

I want to thank my friend again for this article. Wishing everyone a safe and Spanking Christmas!

Luvs,

Bree

D/s Communication

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Ok all my lovelies this is important. So sit up straight, eyes focused and read.

Communication is necessary in all aspects of life, especially in a relationship. It is, however, vital in a D/s relationship.

Online relationships are tricky. I cannot count how many times I have told a subbie something in an email or chat, only to have it misunderstood and throw her in to a subbie tail spin.

You must tell your Dom what is going on with you. For example, you are scheduled for a session but you have a headache. Do not go ahead and pretend you are feeling well. It’s unfair to you and your Dom. I would never spank a subbie who did not feel well. And no, being nauseous looking at the gauntlet does not count. For those of you who do not know the gauntlet is over 140 implements used one right after the other, but I digress.

You must also tell your Dom any emotional thing that is going on as well. This can save you drama and a sore bottom. Some subs think it’s not ok to voice your opinion. This is not true, you can voice your opinion but must do so properly. Knowing what you are going through and how you are feeling is essential to a Dom reading you correctly and determining what you need. Now, there is a fine line between being candid and whining. Don’t say I did not warn you. Being honest with your Dom, no matter the consequences, is the best way, trust me.

Just as all of you must communicate, so must your Dom. I still work on this as I hate to hurt a subbies feelings by my chat or email being misunderstood. It’s a two way street, a Dom cannot expect you to be open with him if he is not open with you.

So just remember, do not shut down…talk about it, whatever it is. It may not save you from a spanking but it can’t hurt…the communication, not the spanking, lol.

I do hope you all are experiencing D/s on some level. 0r maybe are planning to soon. Either way, communication is key in finding a Dom and sustaining a relationship.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Apologies

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No lovelies, I am not apologizing. This is a post illustrating the proper way for a subbie to apologize. Did you think you just say you’re sorry like in vanilla world? Oh my little subbies that will not do at all.

Now, I am going to illustrates 3 levels. The first is the bare minimum. With the second the bar is raised quite a bit and the third raised even more.

Now the minimum is head and eyes down, kneeling is even better but not required, yet. Ok you are all probably saying…uh pass Sir J, I don’t do that, well then you are going to hate this next part.

When I take on a subbie I tell her about a position I call the sub position. This is a great position for a lot of things not just confessions and apologies. It’s great for scolding, waiting for punishment, corner time, meditations, and really great for presenting the bb for a paddle or cane. It begins with kneeling, bent forward and resting your forehead on floor with your arms out straight in front of you. Your knees should be up to your chest, effectively raising your bb up high. In this stage you would face away from the Dom and then confess or apologize (see I told you, you wouldn’t like it, lol).

Number three is the same, but with the addition of balancing a small paddle, cane or brush on your lower back. This is very impressive as it conveys to the Dom that you truly are sorry and if he feels necessary, you are willing to suffer more for your behaviors. This can be done before punishment or after, even during in the corner.  If you want to impress a Dom assume this position and call him, then confess your misbehavior. I have heard some Doms even allow some mercy for this.

For those of you with a Dom try it. For those who fantasize about having a Dom, try it on your own and imagine the Dom is standing behind you.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Subbie Catch 22

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Hello lovelies,

I want to discuss something with you concerning the heading to my post. It could also be called “Why subbies cannot behave all the time” lol.

All of you have, or have had fantasies about being spanked for punishment, a hard bb spanking that goes beyond your limits and makes you feel truly punished, right? Of course I am right, I know you better than you know yourselves, lol. Now when a sub has or does contact me it’s usually for a specific behavior: smoking, speeding, etc. (you all know the list by now). The goal is to change the self-destructive behaviors and also teach the sub how to behave properly, especially when interacting with a Dom.

Now, once the behaviors are changed and the sub begins to act properly, punishment is no longer needed. I see you all scratching your heads and saying, “Yes Sir John, we know this. So what’s up with the catch 22 thingy?”

Here’s what I mean…after a while you will be jonsing for a spanking. At first not having to sit gingerly or write lines will be enjoyable but, after a while with no correction you will feel something lacking.

So what do you do? You act out.

Why? Because as much as a spanking hurts you still need it from time to time. It’s very hard for a sub to ask a Dom for a spanking because she is jonsing. Bree still cannot do this but, she has her ways of getting it. Training a sub online is very difficult when it comes to this. In person you can brat and be spanked quickly, online it is much more complicated, as some of my online subs can attest.

You see it’s a real subbie catch 22…misbehave and you displease your Dom and get punished. Behave and you please your Dom but go nuts jonsing for a hot bottom. I must say I do not envy you, that’s’ why it’s good to be the Dom. One thing to remember, if you are jonsing and ask a Dom respectfully to spank you in person or online, it would be rare for him to turn you down. And no it’s not topping from the bottom, so speak up…to paraphrase a great movie moment “raise your voices and yell, we’re bratty as hell and we want more!!!”

Be good, or else…

SJ

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