The Big Picture

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Hello lovelies,

Today I want you all to pay close attention as this is very important. For those of you I have a long training dynamic with, you already understand, but for newbies or those just curious, listen up.

D/s or even S/m does not just involve punishment when you misbehave. For those of you that think spanking is what D/s is all about you are missing the big picture! Training does involve spanking, in one form or another but, that’s just the tip of the D/s iceberg.

When I train a sub it’s to make her a better submissive. There are so many things to work on and talk about in training. It’s not just when you have to report for a spanking. I want a sub to learn about self-respect, boundaries, proper behavior, self-worth, obedience and so many other aspects that make a well-rounded subbie and a well-rounded human being.

I use spanking as a teaching tool but it’s not the only one. In fact, I can impart the lessons without spanking but subbies usually need a deterrent. A bb spanking seems to work very well but so do lines, grounding or daily tasks.

The big part is being consistent and serious about becoming better, as well as doing what I tell you, to get you there. It’s all about trust and caring at the end of the day. So next time you read about a Dom disciplining a sub or watch a video etc. remember if it’s the real thing, that relationship is very very layered. A stronger bond you would be hard pressed to find.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Thigh Don’t Think So

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Hello lovelies,

Recently, I was looking for videos to send to some subbies when I happened to see one from a spanking party in Vegas. As you know I had a very bad experience when I attended one there but I still thought I would give it a look. I was surprised at how severe the spanking and paddling was but it seemed like it was in a private suite so, ok with me as long as it was consensual.

It was done by a man and a woman with two subbies, rather young, with the couple being much older. I was ok until I saw something that I found disturbing. The man was using a wood paddle on the backs of the female’s thighs.

This is not only irresponsible but dangerous. Thighs do not have the padding a bottom does and a hematoma is likely with a heavy implement. Now don’t get me wrong, I do spank subbies thighs but usually for two main reasons: one, they are very masochistic and enjoy it or they need punishment and it’s not getting through just across their bottoms. Two, they keep being defiant, especially when over the knee with things like getting out of position etc.

I NEVER EVER use hard impact implements and mostly use my hand, a thin cane or switch, or a thin whip. Even then I am careful not to break the skin. As my subbies will tell you, a few sharp spanks on the thighs by my hand is usually enough to get them in position.

Now maybe the girls at the party dug being paddled on their thighs, hey it’s their thing I am not judging. I am saying, to me, as a Dom, I would refuse to do that as I find it irresponsible. I think you should be really careful with even just a thin implement on the thighs.

So why the post? I care about all of you, and for those that are thinking about setting up a session with a new Dom I am telling you to insist on two things: an emotional safe word for triggers and NO thigh spanking, for the first time. I understand a Dom giving you a few with his hand on your upper thighs if you are OTK and getting mouthy but no implements. I want you newbies to be safe and have a great experience. The video started me worrying about you, oh get over it it’s what Doms do, lol.

Anyway, promise me you will follow my rules for a first meeting and also you will insist on the two things I just mentioned. D/s is great if you are with a responsible Dom. Just be careful, and its ok to say no.

Be good and safe, or else…

SJ

But I Want to be Perfect

 

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Hello lovelies,

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this from the subbies I work with.  Let me cut to the chase, nobody is perfect and no Dom expects you to be.

When I take on a newbie it’s generally because she has some things she would like help with. Usually there might be some bad habits or behaviors etc. requiring a little more motivation.

Just the nature of that statement should tell you that I expect a newbie to mess up. Otherwise why would she ask for my help?

Let me assure all of you, no Dom expects you to be perfect. I know for a lot of you, pleasing your Dom is very important, and it should be, but don’t beat yourself up when you misbehave or break a rule.

Speaking for myself, this never makes me angry. My subbies will tell you I don’t get mad but breaking a rule over and over does get me frustrated. After I hit that point I begin working on that hole in my music room where I bang my head…and not in the heavy metal way lol.

My point is this… to all my subbies, experienced and newbies, and to all of you that read the posts, don’t try for perfection. It’s not going to happen and when you mess up take your discipline and learn from it. But do not get depressed or upset that you disappointed me or your Doms. Trust me, I know it’s going to happen from time to time.

I mean if you were perfect why would you need a Dom right? However, I am not saying you shouldn’t at least try to be a well behaved subbie but let’s face it, nobody is good 100% of the time. Just know I am aware of that as are you so relax and   just be you. That’s what D/s is all about, a place where you can be who you truly are.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Immediate Honesty

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Hello lovelies,

First, let me say this, I love women. I always have. I’ve always hung with women more than guys. I mean come on, who wouldn’t? Plus the added perk of being so spankable and there is a chance you’re a subbie, lol.

That being said, you all tend to hold things in. If you’re a sub it’s holding things in times a gazillion. As a Dom I need to know where my subs are emotionally, at all times. This is vital because I could say or do something in a session that might be a trigger, create a big deal and not knowing my sub was feeling emotional about a certain thing that day would end badly.

I work with every subbie I have on this…all the time. I don’t know why subbies hold things in and make their lives more stressful and more emotional than they already are. I am pretty good at knowing when a subbie is off. I can tell you when I ask “What’s wrong?” and a sub says “oh nothing, I’m fine,” I want to bang my head against the wall of my music room. Yes, there is a small hole there already, lol.

Immediate honesty is so important. I can’t tell you how many times I knew something was up, or worse, thought everything was fine and then I get an email 3 days later… “Sir, I think I may have to quit” or “Why did you say this to me,” or “I’m so angry with you.”

This is so frustrating for me because this could have been settled 3 days ago if my sub would have just said “can we talk,” or at least answered what was wrong when I originally asked. As a Dom I am responsible for my sub’s emotional wellbeing and when a subbie hides her feelings from me it can turn out very badly.

So to those of you with Doms, or just in relationships, I have three words for you…Stop doing this!! Immediate honesty is difficult, I know, but it always works out better. It saves you so much anxiety and stress.

My subbies will tell you it’s stressful enough being my submissive, so why add to it? Just say what you feel when you feel it. It will make things much easier and also save my wall from further damage.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Dom Hunting

Hello lovelies,

No, no, the heading is not about when you’re mad at your Dom and want to try out that new bow and arrow set you just bought.

Some of you I know, some very well in fact, as I have been responsible for you not sitting, squirming and/or crying like schoolgirls under my hand and paddle.

By the way you’re welcome, lol.

I am talking to those of you without Doms, who want Doms. I have told you how to go about this online but I am sure some of you like to go to clubs or bars etc. So how can you find a Dom, in person, with no online connection?

Well today is your lucky day as I am going to give you a fool proof way of knowing right away if you are talking to a Dom or not. Sound good?

Here’s the magic key…When you see a guy you’re attracted to and you sit down to talk, you think he may be a Dom but you’re not sure. You could say “hey, are you a Dom?” but I think we can be more subtle. Start the conversation with “I work at ____. I love my job but, I’m always late and I can’t seem to break the habit.

Ding, ding, ding!! A Dom will jump on that like Dracula on a white neck, trust me.

Or you could try “I got pulled over again. I can’t help speeding though I can usually talk my way out of a ticket.”

Score!!!!!

Trust me, you will know right away. In fact if you don’t get some kind of Dom reaction like, “I have a remedy for that,” or “I am sure I can help you break that habit,” or at least a “that’s very irresponsible young lady,” I’d say move on you’re wasting your time. See what a thoughtful Dom I am? I just saved you hours of tedious conversation. Give it a try and let me know if it works. Happy Hunting!

Be good, or else…

SJ

Subbie Guilt

2015-11-07

Hello lovelies,

I am sure you are all familiar with this heading yes?  I mean subbie’s have more guilt than anyone I know. I love you all but you know it’s true.

I did a session not too long ago. It was a punishment session resulting in marks and a lot of tears, as these kinds of sessions often do. Now during this session something happened. As you all know I am sadistic, but I am all about you being safe in a session so I monitor you closely.

This particular subbie had been hand spanked to tears and was then put over the spanking bench and secured. Her transgressions were serious so she had a paddling and a caning coming. I decided to use the heart first, which as some of you know burns like fire especially on a sore bottom. During this part of her spanking she began to cry again but her breathing became erratic. That’s wasn’t good as she started to hyperventilate, so much so I had to stop and calm her down before her cane strokes.

I had decided to end the session after the cane as I felt she may be at risk if I went any longer. After calming her down I gave her 12 strokes and she was done. I did aftercare, held her, forgave her and made sure she was ok.

It seemed she was so I went downstairs and she went into the living room. When I came in to check on her she was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she felt bad she could not take what I had planned for her!

I did say you all have more than your share of guilt to drag around did I not? Lol

I explained to her that it’s never a question of me being disappointed if you can’t take as much as I planned for you . It is always a matter of you being safe. You need to learn a lesson, of course, but not at the expense of your health (physical/mental/emotional).

I want you all to get this…a punishment session is meant to hurt but it’s not a matter of taking so much or disappointing me. Every subbie is different. Some can take a lot, some not so much. The important thing is that you feel punished and can let go of the guilt after. Not to put more guilt on top by thinking you disappointed your Dom by not taking enough , that’s not an issue.

You all have enough guilt. Don’t add to it! Lol.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Bottom Temperature

2015-07-01

Hello lovelies,

No I’m not talking about your bottom’s temperature after a spanking but the temperature in the room before said spanking. This can alter a session greatly by making it kind of pleasurable to downright miserable, depending.

If I am to give a punishment, I prefer the room cool or cold.

Why?

Simple, wood or even a hand really stings on a cold bb. Is that a Mr. Meanie thing? Kind of, but remember I said for a punishment.

I do usually have a fan on as subbies tend to hyperventilate a lot and get overheated. See how nice?

Mr. Nice Dom, that has a good ring to it no?

For subspace or pleasure/pain sessions I keep it warmer and more pleasant since the strokes or spanks are not meant to cause punishment level pain. I also have blankets available as a lot  of subbies after a subspace session will drop and get very cold. I have blankets to cover them and make sure they do not get chilled.

See? Mr. Nice Dom, told ya.

So if any of you lovelies are ever in a session and the dom turns up the air its probably time to rethink that punishment book. lol

Now a lot of doms like the room warm so their hand does not sting during the administering of a spanking. I don’t have that problem so cold works very well sting wise, especially for implements like paddles, brushes, and canes. You will notice I did not include straps. I do use a prison strap from time to time but it has to be on a severe level because you all enjoy leather way too much.

Just a little insight into Dom 101 though some of you may say Mr. Meanie 101

Be good, or else…

SJ

 

Subbies say the Darndest Things

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Hello lovelies,

I was going to continue my post from last time and include females that should be spanked in 2015 but, I  was thinking about all the excuses I have heard over the years from subbies regarding having their punishment books turned in on time. Here are some of my favorites and yes, I have really heard these at one time or another:

  1. I was abducted by aliens.
  2. I thought we were done with that?
  3. I did not want to depress you.
  4. Someone broke in last night and stole my book!
  5. What book?
  6. I had a blister on my finger and could not write.
  7. I don’t want to.
  8. My computer exploded.
  9. I was caught in a tornado…(She lived in California)
  10. I thought it was subbie no book week.
  11. Was that due today?
  12. I think I have malaria.
  13. Why are you so mean?
And my favorite…My dog ate it, lol.
Yes you are all creative but crazy. Thanks for being that way!
Be good, or else…
SJ

Wounded by Words

Hi Ya’ll!

OMG, so much going on lately that I forget what day of the week it is. The one thing I don’t forget, however, is you guys. You are the ones who make it possible for me to be here and I thank each and every one of you.

I run a group on FB for my Middle/Littles and special friends to play and interact. It is so sweet, fun and wonderful that I can’t help but smile when I check in on them. It has become a place to support one another and promote healing and encouragement. There are no outsiders there- only people who share the same interest/desires- the ‘real deal’ of BDSM. I love the men and women there- they are pure, genuine, loving and nonjudgmental.

Something came up- one of my babies was hurting. Bad. And then another and another…. Emails and chats started coming through- well over twenty and all dealing with the same exact issue. Each of them had been wounded by words.  Not in their playground- but by those outside. Even worse, the pain had been inflicted- non-consensually and straight to the heart- through internet communications. Chat, groups, e-mails, posts/threads…The power of the abusive cyber word yielded behind a computer screen by a bully became crushing to their spirits and their trust.

What made it worse was the common thread- an author who used her ‘name’ to lure them in and deliberately intimidate, insult and destroy. I also know many other authors as well as readers who have had the same horrible encounters with this person- really wonderful kind, gentle and honest people who had reached out in trust and were met with a psychotic rage. She has trashed me personally countless times on her blog after confronting her with her behavior (jealousy and immaturity are amazing catalysts to bring out the unstable) with comments and stories that just short of laughable and have entered libel.

But I have to ask-

How does an author, or any public figure, expect to be successful when she leaves a wake of bodies in her path? Not one or two—but hundreds?

As authors, I believe we have a responsibility to our readers to deliver truth, compassion and gratitude. Of course, I don’t expect anyone to reveal their home address, real name or even their actual age- but don’t lie about your lifestyle to gain readers! Don’t pretend to be a Domme or falsely support things like Age-Play to manipulate innocent people who are hungering for a real DS experience. Don’t treat your readers like they are disposable- because they are the most precious gift an author could ask for.

Because FB is so precarious with how things are posted, I decided to allow this to be a venting post. We have the power to say no to abuse of any kind- but true power comes with community involvement. If any of my readers have had problems with a cyber-bully- please let me know. I WILL NOT associate OR promote anyone who behaves in that manner. I also recommend that you let a publisher know if someone like this is causing hurt. One or two emails might not do anything, but there is power in numbers. I know my publisher, Blushing Books, will take a stand to protect our readers AND our authors from anyone who threatens to harm them.

As authors- we can only begin to understand how we affect our fans- good or bad. Please feel free to share your personal experiences and feelings- not to judge- but to let others know that they are not alone, singled out, or in any way wrong in how they feel. I will be watching the threads and doing my best to protect you from counter-attacks. The person referred to above is banned from commenting on this site.

Learning to Swim

Hello lovelies,

You are probably asking yourselves, what the heck does learning to swim have to do with D/s?

Glad you asked!

I heard something the other day, actually a line from one of my favorite tv shows…no, not the torture hour…The Big Bang Theory.

To paraphrase “I can swim. I learned how by watching videos and practicing on the floor.” It occurred to me that the absurdity of this can be applied to D/s. You really cannot know what it’s like to really swim unless you get in the water so it is with D/s or even spanking. You can watch all the vids you want and read all of Bree’s books (hey I’ve got to give props when they are due) but you can never know what a true D/s session is like without participating in one. For that matter you won’t even know what a real bb spanking feels like until you get one.

It’s a scary thing to meet someone for a potential session, I know, but until you do you have no idea what it’s like or what a spanking will feel like. It isn’t going to feel like your fantasies trust me. You will not believe how much a punishment spanking hurts. I can tell you fantasies, stories, vids, they all make no difference, just like the swimming analogy. You have to jump into the water…metaphorically speaking of course.

So give it a try, be careful, but if you really are jonsing for the real thing there is only one way for you to know what it’s like. Jump into the deep end and learn to swim. After all both revolve around learning about strokes, lol.

Be good, or else…

SJ

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