Thigh Don’t Think So

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Hello lovelies,

Recently, I was looking for videos to send to some subbies when I happened to see one from a spanking party in Vegas. As you know I had a very bad experience when I attended one there but I still thought I would give it a look. I was surprised at how severe the spanking and paddling was but it seemed like it was in a private suite so, ok with me as long as it was consensual.

It was done by a man and a woman with two subbies, rather young, with the couple being much older. I was ok until I saw something that I found disturbing. The man was using a wood paddle on the backs of the female’s thighs.

This is not only irresponsible but dangerous. Thighs do not have the padding a bottom does and a hematoma is likely with a heavy implement. Now don’t get me wrong, I do spank subbies thighs but usually for two main reasons: one, they are very masochistic and enjoy it or they need punishment and it’s not getting through just across their bottoms. Two, they keep being defiant, especially when over the knee with things like getting out of position etc.

I NEVER EVER use hard impact implements and mostly use my hand, a thin cane or switch, or a thin whip. Even then I am careful not to break the skin. As my subbies will tell you, a few sharp spanks on the thighs by my hand is usually enough to get them in position.

Now maybe the girls at the party dug being paddled on their thighs, hey it’s their thing I am not judging. I am saying, to me, as a Dom, I would refuse to do that as I find it irresponsible. I think you should be really careful with even just a thin implement on the thighs.

So why the post? I care about all of you, and for those that are thinking about setting up a session with a new Dom I am telling you to insist on two things: an emotional safe word for triggers and NO thigh spanking, for the first time. I understand a Dom giving you a few with his hand on your upper thighs if you are OTK and getting mouthy but no implements. I want you newbies to be safe and have a great experience. The video started me worrying about you, oh get over it it’s what Doms do, lol.

Anyway, promise me you will follow my rules for a first meeting and also you will insist on the two things I just mentioned. D/s is great if you are with a responsible Dom. Just be careful, and its ok to say no.

Be good and safe, or else…

SJ

Subbie Guilt

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Hello lovelies,

I am sure you are all familiar with this heading yes?  I mean subbie’s have more guilt than anyone I know. I love you all but you know it’s true.

I did a session not too long ago. It was a punishment session resulting in marks and a lot of tears, as these kinds of sessions often do. Now during this session something happened. As you all know I am sadistic, but I am all about you being safe in a session so I monitor you closely.

This particular subbie had been hand spanked to tears and was then put over the spanking bench and secured. Her transgressions were serious so she had a paddling and a caning coming. I decided to use the heart first, which as some of you know burns like fire especially on a sore bottom. During this part of her spanking she began to cry again but her breathing became erratic. That’s wasn’t good as she started to hyperventilate, so much so I had to stop and calm her down before her cane strokes.

I had decided to end the session after the cane as I felt she may be at risk if I went any longer. After calming her down I gave her 12 strokes and she was done. I did aftercare, held her, forgave her and made sure she was ok.

It seemed she was so I went downstairs and she went into the living room. When I came in to check on her she was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she felt bad she could not take what I had planned for her!

I did say you all have more than your share of guilt to drag around did I not? Lol

I explained to her that it’s never a question of me being disappointed if you can’t take as much as I planned for you . It is always a matter of you being safe. You need to learn a lesson, of course, but not at the expense of your health (physical/mental/emotional).

I want you all to get this…a punishment session is meant to hurt but it’s not a matter of taking so much or disappointing me. Every subbie is different. Some can take a lot, some not so much. The important thing is that you feel punished and can let go of the guilt after. Not to put more guilt on top by thinking you disappointed your Dom by not taking enough , that’s not an issue.

You all have enough guilt. Don’t add to it! Lol.

Be good, or else…

SJ

Spanking: Punishment v. Abuse

Ok lovelies, I want to address a serious topic here, also for any would be Doms reading this, listen up. It’s important.

There are a lot of men and women who equate a proper spanking with abuse. This is not the case, and I’d like to put things into perspective. In order to do this I need to share a bit of my past with you, not an easy thing as I am pretty private person, but I think this is important.

My childhood was constant abuse from my mother both verbal and physical. I was whipped or switched almost daily until I was big enough to say no more. My father did nothing to help and if it were not for my grandmother, I never would have made it. Physical abuse is out of control violence. The strokes or blows can land anywhere. The abuser does not care where. It can go on as long as the abuser does not tire out. It was not unusual for my legs or arms, etc. to be switched and cut or my body bruised from a belt or whatever was around. Now this is not a poor me story, I tell you this to illustrate a point.

What I have described is abuse. A spanking is not. A punishment spanking hurts, I won’t lie to you. It hurts a lot, but the difference is that it’s controlled and always just the bb. Can a punishment mark? Yes, it can, especially when an implement is being used. But, like I said, never out of control strokes. A Dom is always aware of how the sub’s bb is reacting. You see, an abuser does not care if you mark or even bleed. A Dom would never go too far. Control is key. Not to mention the fact that he cares about teaching you a valuable lesson. An abuser, like my mother, would just get mad, lose her temper and start hitting me, a lot of times for no reason at all, other than she lost control.

I keep coming back to control. It’s all about control, never anger. A Dom never punishes if he is angry and I mean never. Also, there is always after care following a punishment, especially a severe one. This is not the case with an abuser. Now all Doms have a sadistic side, some more than others. After all we do love seeing a crimson bb otk or bent over. Even so we always have the subbie’s safety and best interest at heart. We’re always watching out for any problems, during a session, to ensure their physical and emotional wellbeing. Again, an abuser could care less, trust me I know.

In conclusion, let me say to all of you, a proper spanking is not abuse, even if the sub’s bb marks. Always make sure after care is given. It’s hard a lot of times for subs and, especially new Doms to understand what I have been saying but I’d like you to think about it. A Dom must always…

       Keep in control.

       Only give your sub what she deserves.

       Do so from a caring place.

I sincerely hope this helps some of you.

 

Said with love and caring,

SJ

 

P.S. Thank you for all of the great ideas and suggestions you guys left in the comments and all the emails you sent me. I’ll definitely be using those in my future posts so stick around.

Negotiating A Scene

 

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This was a topic suggested to me by a wise subbie, and since we have all seen what can happen at parties lately I want to address this. So lovelies, here’s the 411 on negotiating a scene.

First, you need to know what you want. Some of you may want full bare bottom spanks. Some want your panties up. Some may like leather…OK all of you like leather, lol. Some may want to be scolded while being spanked etc. Whatever it is, you need to know, before you go to a party. Now let me be clear, the reason a safe party environment is good for subbies to attend is, ironically why i do not go to parties. And that reason is, all together now, the subbies are in control. Hey, not everyone said it, did you not know this? Let me enlighten you.

A party is a place for you to act on your fantasies. It is not a real D/s session. In a real D/s session you are not in control, but a party session you are in total control. Now what does that mean? Simply that, before you enter into a session, you tell the Dom or top, what you will, and will not do. What implements you like or do not. Panties up or down, also any physical problems you may have, shoulders, back, knees, etc. that may be a problem in position. You have a safe word , you can slow things down, have it be harder spanks or softer, take a break etc. So I hear the wheels turning, and you may be thinking well gee SJ, what does that have to do with submitting to a Dom? Well, nothing. That’s my point.

Parties are play scenarios not punishment ones, so know that going in. Here’s how it works. Somebody will host a scene in his or her suite. This is usually a big room with many people attending. Some couples, some singles. The spankings are done there in front of everyone…so you closet exhibitionist can have fun lol and always panties or thong up, always…Now there are private rooms off the main one. These may have more intense scenes but still nothing like a real D/s punishment session. It is ok to use those rooms since they are right there a tons of people walk in and out. But never go to a private, one on one in a small room where nobody knows you or where you are, unless you know the top or Dom. This could be bad, really bad.

There is security at some parties, and at some not any, so be careful. If any of your limitations are violated…any…go right to the host. He or she should handle things immediately and eject the violator. If you do go to the host, and nothing is done pack up. Consider you had an experience and go home, you are not in a safe environment and that’s the most important thing for you. Most parties are fine and safe, so don’t let me scare you away. But you need to check out who is giving them and their track record.

So do you all get it? If you do your homework and know what you want, you can go and have an enjoyable experience. Be respectful, but speak up. If you do not tell the top no hairbrush, and he smacks you with one, you cannot start whining and making a scene. Take care of yourself, and speak up. This is your chance to explore some fantasies. Above all be safe.

Be good or else!

SJ

Rebuttal-Safety Warnings…

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Hi Ya’ll,

John and I are getting quite a bit of flack regarding sending out the warning about this guy, who knowingly violated the personal space of two women. They don’t like us calling him a predator, although his actions are repetitive and known to occur because ‘that’s how he is’. They don’t like us calling him a molester- even though he touches/kisses personal areas without asking. They don’t like us giving a name, description or setting forth a warning.  My question, what if it was you who is the next victim of his ‘admiration’?

I wanted to share my response regarding the request to remove the information we have given…I have altered  names to protect the victims, but otherwise, it is unchanged.  Here goes…

I stand by my choice that the fact these people KNOW how he is (quoting the victim) and to still allow this behavior to continue indicates an ongoing practice of ‘poor judgment’ that is either ignored, unaddressed, or viewed as nonessential.  I cannot wait, in good conscience, for someone to be injured before a warning goes out about this. As you know, the fight or flight mechanism does not strike everyone at the time of an event, and these leaves the victims assuming the responsibility for something the top should have respected and honored- or at least asked.  He did not do so. He assumed and took advantage of VICTIM in a vulnerable position. Morally and ethically, what he did was wrong and he does it to others.

I know he pays for play. If the concern that he will be shut down, thus loosing revenue for women he hires, takes precedence in determining the allowance of him continuing with such as activity at open parties, then there is a conflict of interest that clearly favors those who are concerned about income rather than the safety of others.

Why must someone get hurt before something is done to stop it, especially in the case where he is known to repeat these activities?  I have a duty to my readers to protect them from anyone who might cause them harm. All it takes is one– the wrong one– and all this fun everyone is having can be shut down. I don’t wish that anymore than you, so I need to do what I can to protect those girls who don’t know any better or think it will never happen to them. I don’t care about his reputation (it is already questionable from what I am told), nor do I care about his paid play partners and their incomes. He needs to stay in that mode. I care about the little girl who he touches and it sends her into a panic.  I care about the ones out there who don’t know what to expect, thinking that because he is old, he is going to be respectful and not take advantage of them. I care about the victims of molestation who blame themselves for something another person did to them and who were too scared and confused to do anything about it.

I’ve worked raped and molestation cases. Cases were the victim was found to be at FAULT because she dressed in a way that invited the criminal to hurt her.  I have personally witnessed men being let loose because the victim was too scared to say no- date rape cases are notorious for that.. The person who is hurt is the victim and it is something she has to live with, shamefully and with regret, for the rest of her life.

I was one of these, fyi. I was gang banged by my ex-husband and his buddies, and there was NOTHING I could do about it because I did not say no. Fear silences you. I will NOT turn a blind eye to anyone, especially MY GIRL, who are victims of even a dirty old man who invades their personal space.

Final word, the fact that THE VICTIMS had to bring this to the attention of the party organizer; the fact that this guy has a reputation of violating personal space and is still allowed to participate in these parties; and the fact that my GIRL is being left to feel she is at fault for something he chose to do, indicates that this is a significant issue that cannot go ignored. I have done what I can do to protect the people who look to me for advice, my readers.  Maybe one girl can be saved and that will be fine by me.

Some of you might not agree with the stand I am taking. I just pray that you aren’t the next one across his lap who would be hurt by unwanted attention.  Please, my darlings, take care of yourselves and be careful. Mama Bear loves you and God help anyone who hurts one of my babies.

Bree

CAUTION…Safety at Play Parties

Caution

Ok lovelies I have something very important I need to talk to you about…safety at play parties. What happens when you find yourself in an uncomfortable and unsafe situation at a play party? What do you do and how do you handle it?

It goes without saying that I never want this to happen to any of you, but just in case this is good information to have. First off let’s get something straight; no matter what you wear, how you act, what you say or anything of the sort; this does not give anybody Dom/Top, Male or Female any right to force themselves on you. Personally, I question the way a lot of females dress, it just shows poor judgment in my opinion but, it’s not an invite for any scumbag that thinks “you are asking for it.” When a male invades your space it is wrong, end of story. There are no grey areas (major points to me for not saying shades of grey, too easy).

So what do you do? First off, you get your limits settled before anything. What you are okay with happening and what you are not. You also establish a safe word. For me, this is the absolute best way of telling someone to STOP immediately.

Ok so let’s say you want to keep your panties up during a spanking, that’s your right. Let’s say this jerk yanks them down. You say your safe word immediately. When he stops you go straight to whoever is in charge and report it. If this guy is not ejected immediately then you are in an unsafe environment and you need to leave. Make sure you have the name of who was in charge and the jerk that broke the rules. I suggest later posting them for as many subbies as you can think of.

So what if he does not stop when you yell a safe word? Any Dom within earshot should intervene. Once the incident is over you should then report it. If you stay at the party, tell as many subbies as you can and point this guy out so he does not try that again. If this or any of your limits are breached, it unfortunately does happen, BUT it’s not your fault. No matter what, you are never to feel obligated to do anything that does not feel right to you…Ever.

My girl was sexually molested, that’s a fact. Though the Dom in charge did not know about it at the time, when he was made aware he did nothing. A warning was issued and nothing more. In my opinion that situation is and remains unsafe when a wanna-be-Dom, that does not care about protecting subbies, remains at the party.

With all that being said, here is some important information for any of you that attend play parties. The predator calls himself Ben, but he could go by others. He is around 70 years old and has short grey hair. He is short in stature, around 5’5” or 5’6”. He is known to frequent large spanking parties throughout the US and also small private ones. If he sounds familiar to any of you please pass this on to your sister subbies. It’s our responsibility to protect each other.

Be Safe!

SJ

Safe Words of Wisdom From SJ

 

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OK lovelies, here is something that (if it hasn’t already)  may come up. Most sites will tell you  to always have a safe word. While I get that its hardly that simple,  lets imagine a scenario.  You  have been talking to a prospective Dom. You like each other and  you have talked for about 2 weeks and feel pretty good about him You have mentioned,  or if he is a true dom he has brought up, your need for atonement and accountability. You agree. However, heres the deal ..If you are meeting for true punishment, for true misbehaviors, a safe word really takes it out of reality, and more into role play. How can you feel truly punished, if you can stop your spanking whenever you want?

Ok I hear you.  But Sir, he’s a stranger.  If i don’t have some control, what if he goes overboard? Good point. And one you have to weigh with how much you feel you can trust this guy  and how guilty you feel for your behavior. I did alot of in-person sessions before I met Bree, and I told all of them, if this is real accountability then no safe word.  Most understood. Some said no, and I respected that.You see, alot of women came to me complaining that the guy that spanked them stopped way too soon. They did not feel truly punished, so they left frustrated, and even more guilty.

Now lets take a role play scenario, or a sub space session.  This is totally different. In role play, you are pretending to misbehave, so a safe word works as its not reality.  In a sub space session, its all about you. So you can have safe words, and even verbalize what you want.

So bottom (yes pun intended)  line, its up to you. If you do not really trust the guy, you have no buiness being with him any way. Just be safe. And make sure you know what you really want.

Be good or else!

SJ

First Meeting or Session With Dom…

 

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Ok lovelies, this is a very important post. So sit up straight, no double tasking. Turn the television off, etc..It is time you pay attention as if your life depended on it. Because it just might..

 

Alright, so you have been chatting online with a prospective Dom for a while and he wants to meet. Now it gets real, really fast. Your brain is racing, you ask yourself, am I really going to meet a strange man and submit to him baring my bottom and spanking me?  Well, maybe. I am going to list rules for a first meeting. These are not suggestions they are written in Dom Stone. I want you all to be safe out there, and lets face it, there are a lot of  crazies on the loose. So  write these down or print them out.

  1. Always meet at a public place for a first meeting. Never, ever go to his house. Ever. And never ever bring him to your house. Remember, your safety must be your top priority.
  2. If you meet for dinner, do not drink more than one glass of wine if, even that much.And the same goes for him. If any red flags go up for anything- how he talks, looks, dresses. Even if its a small thing, get out, go home. Listen to your inner voice.
  3. If you are leaning towards having  a session the first time you meet, it must be at a hotel. Not his house. Not your house. Not his brothers million dollar beach house. A hotel. That is your only option. A nice hotel which he pays for. ANd make sure the person checking you in will remember you.
  4. Always drive your own car. Never, ever, go in his. Ever.
  5. Arrange for a friend to call you at a certain time on your cell phone just to make sure you are ok.
  6. Safe Words…This is a tricky one. When I was doing sessions, it was always for real misbehaviors-not role play. So I allowed no safe words. So this is a rare instance where i will let you decide if you want a safe word. If you do, the easy ones are green, yellow, and red. For obvious reason.
  7. No bondage. I do not care if this is your thing and gets you hotter than fireworks in a microwave oven. No and no. Not the first time. Ever!
  8. No sex. Yes, you read this right. A real Dom will not even mention sex in a first session or meeting, and if he brings it up, leave. He just wanted to get you alone for this and he is not a Dom. And honestly, I do not care how much you may want to have sex. Don’t do it. Trust me on this. If it is meant to be, it will be. You do not want to meet someone and jump into bed and then never hear from him again. And believe me, it happens all of the time.
  9. Background checks…I think it is ok for you to do a background check on him however, he may not want to give his real name when you first meet. This does not need to be a deal breaker. Trust me, there are a lot of female maniacs out there too. Use your best judgment and follow your ugt. If you are talking to a guy (or a girl) either on chat, email, or phone and something just doesn’t feel right-trust yourself. Move on. your life is too important to gamble on.
  10. No wood implements. Ok, maybe you love a paddle or even a cane, but you do not know this guy. If he has no experience or skill, you can get seriously hurt. His hand will not damage you, even if he spanks as hard as I do. Plus you have to know he can control you and make him submit with his hand first.
  11. Dress. If he is for real, he will probably tell you what he wants you to wear. However, it is acceptable to insist on a thong if going full bare bottomed is just too scary for you.
  12. After care. If he is not caring, and willing to talk to you about how you are feeling, etc. Forget him. He is just a wanna-be. A Doms main concern in a session is the safety of the sub. Physically and emotionally. Obviously the spanking will hurt. It’s meant to, and you may cry, and you may mark. Thats fine. But you must not be ignored after. Corner time is allowed but you must be comforted after. Ladies, do not waiver here. If he is not offering after care you need to move on.
  13. Follow up. He should email or call you if you have been talking on the phone. And he should do this by the next day. A lot of times I did tis that night to make sure the sub got home safely and was dealing with the experience in a positive way. If he does not contact you by the next day, forget him. Unless he has a really good, valid, excuse. Move on.
  14. Rent the movie Strangeland. If that movie does not scare you into following my rules, nothing will. I want you all to know the feeling of a real Dom taking control and getting a real bare bottomed spanking. But most of all I want you to all be safe.

Thats it from Domland. Be good or else!

SJ

 

 

Finding A Dom Online…

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It seems that this is a topic you are all interested in. Ok my lovelies, let me lead you down this path carefully. Trust me, I will not let you fall. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, what is it that I really want? Do you want a weekend spanking partner,  a serious D/s relationship, an age play relationship? Are you seeking real atonement for misbehaviors or just more role play?  Or perhaps your desires may even lean darker, maybe  bondage, or more of an S&M relationship or experience.

Ok, once you know what you want, you need to put out some feelers. As much as you would like it, the perfect Dom is not going to just knock on your door one day  and say “hi looking for me?”  You are going to have to find him, or at least put yourself out there so he can find you. So for the purposes of this post, lets say you want a D/s relationship, with spanking as the consequence for your misbehavior. There are some sites like Spank Seek  where you can make a profile and search for a Dom. Or  Shadowlane  and Nu West that have advertisements in their magazines. You want to stay away from sites like  alt.com , which is more s&m, and anything that does not have spanking or D/s or DD in the description.

So lets say you are on spanking.com… You  need to put up an ad and also get into some chat rooms.  Your ad needs to be honest-not only what you are seeking but what you are not. When describing yourself also be honest. Trust me, nothing bugs a Dom more than setting up a session with someone and finding out they are not anything like they described themselves to be. Been there,  got a t-shirt and a very uncomfortable evening out of it. So truth, truth, and more truth. So you put up your ad and look, you have a response. Actually, you have alot of responses, so now what do you do?   You respond in kind and see if the prospective “Mr. Right” Dom, wants to chat.

So now you are in chat, what do you say? Well first its always a good sign to say sir and be respectful.  Tell him your needs, and find out his.  Remember, keep it honest. Now pay attention, this is really important and I want all of you to sit up as you are reading this, and pay attention. If he mentions sex, say thank you for responding and get out! No real Dom will bring up sex in a first chat or a first session. Also, no bondage ever, unless you have a trusting relationship. Really trusting, You need to put yourself out there, but you need to feel safe. I always tell nubie subs to rent the movie Strangeland.  That  movie demonstrate how careful you have to be.

Chat should be fun for you. He should elicit that tingle, with what he says and how he says it. Then, you may want to go a step further and meet. I am going to do my next post on rules for a first session which you will need to burn into your little subbie memories as they are vital in this scene.

As always, be good or else.

SJ

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