For those of you that read my posts- first off, thank you and second, this is not a typical SJ rant- nor is the subject matter a funny one.
Before I start, let me say this: these are my personal opinions, feelings and thoughts. I do not speak for the BDSM community or society as a whole, just for myself.
Bree and I had a discussion the other day over something I found extremely disturbing. She showed me a photo of a woman who had a serious black eyes and multiple facial contusions that required hospitalization and a CT scan. The caption included that “I deserved this” and was supported by multiple people who praised the damage, encouraged that she needed the other eye equally blackened, and boasted about to ‘joy’ of planting their fists in a woman’s face.
As most of you know, Bree was a battered spouse for many years, which sent her to the hospital. She is, of course, completely against anything that would cause/threaten to cause, permanent harm or damage. So when she told me that the ‘community’ calls it ‘edge play’ and considers this ‘appropriate’ between consenting adults. I also saw that questions, comments or concerned interference against the act from outside parties were not only discouraged, but blatantly attacked. They compared this to extreme fighting- really? At least MMA ATHLETES have the skills and body cushions to protect themselves against a competitor of equal strength and training. Did this woman? No.
When has this lifestyle, MY lifestyle, devolved to a point that if you declare your belief that something is wrong- YOU become the ‘enemy’ of the dynamic? YOU are the one who is judgmental because you openly state what others are thinking, but they are too afraid of being ‘politically correct’ to say it out loud. YOU are the one who is narrow minded because you don’t turn a blind eye or praise a cracked jaw or lost teeth. YOU are assigned the label ‘judgmental’ and are accused of being the self-appointed BDSM police.
I was both shocked and repulsed. Consent or not, in my eyes people were promoting and praising domestic violence in the name of BDSM. When did spouse battering become consensual? How many battered women are there who are too afraid to say no?
I was raised to respect women. Honestly, I adore women. My closest friendships are with females and believe that violence against women is wrong. Period. So what’s the difference between what this man did and a discipline session that leaves a mark? A big one. There is a difference between a controlled spanking of a plump bottom vs uncontrollable pummeling of a face of delicate bones, complete with a nose, ears and eyes with a fist.
Now, do I have a right to tell them to stop this ‘practice’? No, I do not. Do I have a right to stop such a scene at a party? No. I do have a right to leave and not witness it- but people don’t think they are obligated to warn others before they force their kink in an unwilling observer’s face. I get that some people enjoy this ‘edge play’, but I still draw the line where I see something that cannot be controlled is encouraged. I don’t care how many ‘hours’ a man supposedly logged into ‘practicing’ the punching of a woman with a closed fist- that will not prevent a concussion, blindness, loss of hearing, or death.
Another question- how does this woman explains these bruises to the outside world? To her two kids? How do you explain this and what kind of kids are you raising if you tell them this is ok and I ‘deserved’ it? What will she do when she did not ‘learn’ her lesson? Does he break her arms or choke her to death? How far does this ‘so called consent’ go?
I love the lifestyle but somewhere along the way it has changed, and it doesn’t seem it is for the better. People in the next generation have this attitude that ‘whatever’, and if it doesn’t affect me, then I don’t care. I cannot look at myself in the mirror and just take the stance of blind acceptance to a kink that the woman (or man in some cases) are deliberately and permanently harmed in the name of ‘consent’.
Throughout history, people have buried their heads in the sand and failed to stand up and say when something is wrong out of fear of retribution or just plain selfishness. Every time that has happened, it turned out badly… very badly. I refuse to be part of that, and I will continue to speak out if I feel something is harmful- physically, mentally or emotionally- especially in the name of submission. Subs, my subs anyway, are to be treasured, protected, and cared for- not used as punching bags by a man with no self-control.
I’m sorry for the long rant, but I had to say something about. I pray it might help someone- somewhere- sometime…
If anyone should ever need help, don’t be afraid to seek it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE