Speaking Out


Hello lovelies,

For those of you that read my posts- first off, thank you and second, this is not a typical SJ rant- nor is the subject matter a funny one.

Before I start, let me say this: these are my personal opinions, feelings and thoughts. I do not speak for the BDSM community or society as a whole, just for myself.

Bree and I had a discussion the other day over something I found extremely disturbing. She showed me a photo of a woman who had a serious black eyes and multiple facial contusions that required hospitalization and a CT scan. The caption included that “I deserved this” and was supported by multiple people who praised the damage, encouraged that she needed the other eye equally blackened, and boasted about to ‘joy’ of planting their fists in a woman’s face.

As most of you know, Bree was a battered spouse for many years, which sent her to the hospital. She is, of course, completely against anything that would cause/threaten to cause, permanent harm or damage. So when she told me that the ‘community’ calls it ‘edge play’ and considers this ‘appropriate’ between consenting adults. I also saw that questions, comments or concerned interference against the act from outside parties were not only discouraged, but blatantly attacked. They compared this to extreme fighting- really? At least MMA ATHLETES have the skills and body cushions to protect themselves against a competitor of equal strength and training. Did this woman? No.

When has this lifestyle, MY lifestyle, devolved to a point that if you declare your belief that something is wrong- YOU become the ‘enemy’ of the dynamic? YOU are the one who is judgmental because you openly state what others are thinking, but they are too afraid of being ‘politically correct’ to say it out loud. YOU are the one who is narrow minded because you don’t turn a blind eye or praise a cracked jaw or lost teeth. YOU are assigned the label ‘judgmental’ and are accused of being the self-appointed BDSM police.

I was both shocked and repulsed. Consent or not, in my eyes people were promoting and praising domestic violence in the name of BDSM. When did spouse battering become consensual? How many battered women are there who are too afraid to say no?

I was raised to respect women. Honestly, I adore women. My closest friendships are with females and believe that violence against women is wrong. Period. So what’s the difference between what this man did and a discipline session that leaves a mark? A big one. There is a difference between a controlled spanking of a plump bottom vs uncontrollable pummeling of a face of delicate bones, complete with a nose, ears and eyes with a fist.

Now, do I have a right to tell them to stop this ‘practice’? No, I do not. Do I have a right to stop such a scene at a party? No. I do have a right to leave and not witness it- but people don’t think they are obligated to warn others before they force their kink in an unwilling observer’s face. I get that some people enjoy this ‘edge play’, but I still draw the line where I see something that cannot be controlled is encouraged. I don’t care how many ‘hours’ a man supposedly logged into ‘practicing’ the punching of a woman with a closed fist- that will not prevent a concussion, blindness, loss of hearing, or death.

Another question- how does this woman explains these bruises to the outside world?  To her two kids? How do you explain this and what kind of kids are you raising if you tell them this is ok and I ‘deserved’ it?  What will she do when she did not ‘learn’ her lesson? Does he break her arms or choke her to death? How far does this ‘so called consent’ go?

I love the lifestyle but somewhere along the way it has changed, and it doesn’t seem it is for the better. People in the next generation have this attitude that ‘whatever’, and if it doesn’t affect me, then I don’t care. I cannot look at myself in the mirror and just take the stance of blind acceptance to a kink that the woman (or man in some cases) are deliberately and permanently harmed in the name of ‘consent’.

Throughout history, people have buried their heads in the sand and failed to stand up and say when something is wrong out of fear of retribution or just plain selfishness. Every time that has happened, it turned out badly… very badly.  I refuse to be part of that, and I will continue to speak out if I feel something is harmful- physically, mentally or emotionally- especially in the name of submission. Subs, my subs anyway, are to be treasured, protected, and cared for- not used as punching bags by a man with no self-control.

I’m sorry for the long rant, but I had to say something about. I pray it might help someone- somewhere- sometime…


If anyone should ever need help, don’t be afraid to seek it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline  1-800-799-SAFE

16 thoughts on “Speaking Out

  1. This is a very important post. BDSM can be a wonderful journey but it is very important the submissive that gives the gift to another feel safe, taken care of and can trust her Dom. The Dom should want to protect his submissive. The community teaches safe, sane and consensual. Abuse is not any of the three. Should there be variety and levels of submission, of course but please do not allow yourself to be abused and confuse it with the journey of true submission because there is a big difference.

  2. Yuck. I have definitely felt uncomfortable with some things I have read or seen on fetlfe, but didn’t feel like I could “take a stand” because, like you said, to each their own. But i do think there are lines and limits and I am grateful that you’re willing to speak up! 😀

  3. This is a great post and I can see how passionate you feel about it. People have the right to choose their kink but at some point a line must be drawn when it becomes physically or emotionally harmful. Abuse Is never ok in any form. Thank you for the post.

    • Thank you I I agree to each his or her own but subs look to their doms for caring and support and to know they are safe, thats always a priority

  4. Thank you for taking the time to voice an important concern. I am just starting my BDSM journey but this makes me nervous and concerned.

    • Im glad you read this Ruth, it can be very scary out there but, if you take the right precautions, you can find someone worthy of you

  5. That is very disturbing. I don’t understand how anyone in the lifestyle can confuse that with BDSM. As someone who’s been a victim of domestic abuse I can tell how that poor woman believes she “deserves” it. Most abusers have their victims so emotionally manipulated that they honestly believe they’ve done something to deserve being treated that way. It’s an emotional prison.

  6. I am Glad to see you take a stand I agree there is a big difference between being disciplined on the bottom and being beaten. I always thought that a Dom was to cause no harm to his sub . I may be wrong but I was taught that yes a spanking will hurt But that it will never Harm me . That a Real Dom will never do anything to a sub that will cause damage in anyway and that if someone ever wants to cause me harm break bones or anything that will leave lasting problems that I should leave because that is not a Dom that is a abuser And no matter what you dress it up as or give it a name when you cause physical and/or emotional damage Use your strength against someone weaker or Send someone to the hospital it is Abuse and you should be ashamed of yourself

    • I totally agree. As a dom my first responsibility is the submissives safety. I cannot imagine ever acting this way with a subbie.

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