Last week SJ posted about force. Force vs. Dom force. And this week, I am out of town and yesterday morning I could not get ahold of Daddy or Bree. After several hours, I was getting worried. Like, really worried. So I was emailing, and messaging and calling-leaving messages on the home phone. Nothing, nada, zip. Until like 1:30. It was kind of alarming. Well, turns out Bree was suffering from a migraine that she had been enduring for about 24hours at that point. So Daddy took her to the doc. Now he said he emailed me, and Bree said she emailed me too-after the doctors appointment. But for some reason I didn’t get either of them. Anyway, why all this back story information? Because of the email exchange. Went something like this…
Nikki:Where are you guys? You need to call me or email me or something to let me know your ok. Im think Bre is either still sick-in which case I would hope you would call me or email me and let me know. In any case I don’t like not being able to get ahold of you. If I don’t hear from you like this, I worry.
SJ:I did. I sent you an email this morning and Bree left you one. She wasted a lot of time while I was gone and is now working. She will talk to you when I give her permission. Under no circumstances are you to contact her until her wrting is done for the day. I will inform you when she can talk to you. Lov u.
Ok so at this point any sane person would just say yes sir and slowly back away, right? Yea, this is me we are talking about.
I did not get an email from you. Nothing. How come your being so mean? I don’t hear from you guys all day long then when I do finally, I can hardly talk at all. 🙁
SJ: First, I sent you an email this morning. If you did not get it, thats Yahoos fault. Second, you need to tone down your attitude. Third, I am not happy with Brees attitude today and thats what I am dealing with right now. Once that has been done she can talk. The only response I want from you is yes sir. love u but you need to mind-especially today.
Now, you all got a little taste of SJ getting his “Dom on” when he was giving you his scenarios for the Dom-force post. Above was actually a fairly mild message to mind him, but it still had me quaking a little bit. You know what I mean? That feeling in your tummy? Yea. Well of course, my only response was…Yes sir! of course. I may be crazy but I’m not stupid! lol
In any case, I started thinking about the fact that due to my being in school and communicating via messenger or email with Daddy, or even I am embarrassed to admit, at home. Sometimes I am in my room and if I am on the computer (hello, it is on all the time 24/7) rather than yell through the house (cause honestly, I have never heard Daddy yell) he will just message me. So I thought I would share couple messages. The ones that had me immediately snapped to attention.This is from last week.
-I woke up to the following email. This is just a little bit of it.
SJ: I am not mad or anything just so you know,you have two orders,and your only reply will be yes sir.You will do these orders as soon as you read the email or have a valid excuse why not.
-I of course responded with a yes sir and completed the assignment.
Well I did complete the assignment but for one reason or another one thing led to another and before you knew it I was in a heap of trouble. Trouble in which Bree was involved in-in respect to my punishment. Well I emailed Daddy..Pleading for help.
Nikki: Daddy please stop her! Its not fair. She is being so mean to me. You are already punishing me. Why do I have to get all these extras too. And Lily didn’t get anything, and she is the one that tattled too.
SJ: Did I not say all you were allowed to say is yes sir? You will be striped with the cane. As I told you, you must pay attention. The fact you think things are unfair are not relevant only my orders and desires SJ
-If thats not ice water to the veins, I don’t know what is.
Nikki: Yes Sir.
SJ: I told you, you really have to edit what you say. Some stripes on your bb will certainly remind you. SJ
OK so they were just a couple examples of text or email conversations I have had with him. When or if you put yourself in my position, how do they make you feel?
I was talking to another subbie and she said she feels nervous when reading an email from a strong Dom. She gets that fluttery feeling in her tummy too.
It is a cross between a feeling of doom-cause you know you are in for it. (And even though the thought of a spanking is exciting-the pain of it is not). Or excitement. Or, pleasure-because he cares enough to reprimand you. Whatever you are feeling, they are quite real, those feelings. But why? Why do we have them? What is it that sets us apart from other women that do not identify themselves as submissive? Is there something wrong with us? And how do they convey that vibe to us, so clearly, through a simple text message?
As young girls we sure do get a lot of mixed messages. Most of us grow up watching Disney princesses and wished we could be them. We are taught to obey our parents. And often told that we will one day grow up, meet prince charming, get married, have babies, etc. But we are also taught the value of an education, the importance of independence, and the necessity of a career. So naturally, we-many of us- are a little bit confused.
I would say most women do eventually achieve most, if not all of those goals in one form or another. They either go to college & have a career or get a job of some sort. They also get married, have a couple of kids. They do it all. But where does that leave them on the inside? How do they reconcile the desire to be be a princess-taken care of? Loved and cherished by their prince charming, with what is in actuality more of an equal partnership, where they are both in charge of everything?
SJ trains subbies and I have noticed that they tend to be a little bit older. Not old, just-past the stage of going to their first job, getting married and having babies. They have done all that. Many of them are perfectly happy by all appearances. But inside…Inside something is missing. That desire to submit and be cared for is there in them but they are not able to express it. I guess that is why they decide to confront their husbands and start training. They want those desires to be satisfied. They need to feel that Dom vibe in their life. But why?
For me, knowing that I have someone that will love and protect me. Who will care for me. That is really important. I don’t want-or need to be the boss,or the main decision maker. I need that control a Dom has over me because it makes me feel safe. I need the boundaries. I desire to obey. I want to please him. It makes me happy.
So is that wrong? Is something wrong with me-for us- for feeling like this? Because I am sure the women on The View would advise me to be locked up until I got my head straight. I guess the bottom line is, as long as we are not hurting anyone. We are not breaking any laws. Whats the problem? It makes us happy. I guess-who cares why right? Because trying to figure out why you feel a certain way implies that you are searching for a way to fix those feelings. But there is no reason to fix them. They are perfectly fine.
So, I guess…accept those butterflies in your tummy. Enjoy the feelings. Because it really is ok. Yea, some may still say we(I) am weird. But I don’t care. It is who I am and I embrace it.