Old Dom, New Tricks

2015-01-13

Ok, ok no laughing. No, I did not session with Cleopatra, that’s an ugly rumor started by Mark Antony, what a jerk.

I have learned two new phrases concerning D/s, and are even applicable to M/s . Bree and I have been discussing some things and here’s what was revealed to me.

Most Doms, me included love a woman with a big, no not that…a big brain. Yes we need to be stimulated by conversation, not just the sight of a red bb. Now there is actually a word for this fetish, if you will, its sapiosexual attraction. Really I’m telling you the truth. Goggle it.

I have always insisted any sub I trained had to have a lot going on upstairs, otherwise I become bored very quickly and trust me life with Bree is not boring, lol. I of course love to spank or do sessions, even sadistic torturous ones have their appeal, but afterward if the sub cannot communicate with me a lot of the experience is lost.

Next revelation was the term CNC or consensual non-consent. We had an interesting discussion about this. I mean the very nature of D/s and certainly M/s is just that, consent and non-consent. Let me give you an example: when you take on a sub she is consenting to follow your rules and trust that you know what’s best for her. Does she like all of them? No, of course not, but she submits.
Now in a D/s relationship can the sub say “I do not want to be spanked anymore?” Well she can but it will not work as that’s part of the dynamic she has agreed to. So she does not consent in that very moment but is spanked anyway. This cannot move into abuse as it does not mean a Dom can do or say whatever he wants and she has no say in it. It does, however, mean certain dynamics are present that she must obey, consent at the moment or not. Of course she has the option of finding another Dom if she chooses to do so.

Be good, or else…

SJ

6 thoughts on “Old Dom, New Tricks

  1. I want to clarify/add to this. I’m on fet (MamaBree)and have been involved in several interesting (and revealing) discussions regarding this CNC title. It is still in debate by those involved, but the bottom line is all limits and boundaries are left at the door when this relationship is entered.
    The frightening aspect to this are those who are new to the lifestyle/kink and have a romantic view about being a slave. They are so eager to ‘play’ that they don’t do their homework. They don’t take their time to know their potential partner, or grow in trust. They don’t look at their friend list, the groups they belong to, the lilst of ‘fetishes'(which are actually more kinks). They don’t seek out input from others who they know to get another opinion or sense of this guy/gal. They don’t bother to read the threads that he’s been involved in to see his temperament, reactions, opinions- nor do they get to know his friends or family and evaluate if there are any issues of concern for their safety and welfare. The story of O is probably the best description of a CNC relationship- but what happened at the end? There are alternative endings- actually- one where he told her to kill herself.
    There are also old and new school thoughts- also in conflict. Us dinosaurs (and the way we raise our subs and new doms) are old school. Safe, Sane Consensual… limits and boundaries are in place before the first meeting and evolve as the relationship grows in time and trust. When John and I first got together- the cane was a hard limit. Why? Because it would trigger me to a terrifying place of the past- one that I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle at the time. Over the centuries, as I’ve grown to trust John, his agenda, and work out my fears- he now uses that evil thing whenever he wishes. Notably, without my consent…but I trust him with my life and know he would never harm me. I also know that if there was something he wished to explore- he would present it to me and take whatever steps possible to make certain that my safety- physical and emotional) is the first priority. This has taken us ten years to establish.
    To answer Marybeth’s question- any healthy, evolving relationship allows room for discussion. Few slaves are mindless robots- in fact, many are highly educated, intelligent, hard-working men/women with excellent reputations of leadership in their vanilla lives. Communication need to be the basis of all aspects of this lifestyle because, without it- we simply because pieces of meat for someone’s fleeting moment of personal gratification.

    • Thank you for this post. It answers a lot of questions for me. If I was starting out in a new relationship, I might seek out this lifestyle. It certainly interests me. But, I am in a 29 year relationship with a man I love who really has no interest in this lifestyle. We have discussed it and it is not a possibility. So, I read and live vicariously. Thanks for letting us have a small window on your lives!

  2. OK, question here. I understand that you cannot take away consent during an incident/session. But, once you have consented there is no discussion of terms later? People grow and change. Admittedly, I am not in a D/s relationship, but I would like to learn. Thanks, Marybeth

    • well as you read, I cannot add much to Bree’s eloquent post but here’s my take none the less. To me its all about trust. When you enter a d/s relationship or even just doing a session, if the sub does not trust the dom you’ve got nothing. Trust comes over time. Let’s say, as Bree stated, you have a hard limit but as time goes on it tends to expand to embrace the experience. This is probably a trust issue, or it could be from past stuff that comes up every time a certain scene or implement is introduced. You would never allow a dom to put you in bondage on first meeting (well unless you have gone, as Martin Sheen said in Apocalypse Now, “Yes quite insane”) but, over time and the building of trust you may feel comfortable being tied down. The thing is this all d/s and certainly s&m relationships have aspects of CNC. Its the caring side and experience of the dom that does not abuse this power.

    • In my opinion there are no set in stone rules to these types of relationships. Things do change over time and people do grow. You trust your Dom or Master and you CHOOSE to give consent for him/her to have control. That can be taken back at anytime. Maybe not in the heat of a spanking just because you don’t like it but when all is said and done if you are not comfortable with doing something then you let him/her know. If he/she is not willing to accept that then you move on to someone who will respect your feelings. I would personally never give up that amount of control to someone I just met. These things take time and trust. Everyone has different dynamics whether its call D/S or M/S. You create boundaries and rules as you go and its becomes a dynamic that is between your and your Dom or Master and no one else. Just because the internet says a slave should do this or that doesn’t mean that’s how your relationship has to be. You set those expectations up front of what will work for you. Ultimately I’m in control of what I choose to allow someone else to do. Then after those rules are laid down and accepted I respect those rules. Just my thoughts.

      • You are absolutely correct and what is good for one, might not be good for another. Rules are required in every relationship to ensure its health and growth- marriage, work, friends and family. Without rules- chaos exists. There are consequences to violating the rules as well, each dependent upon the relationship and the degree. Believe it or not, there are some people who believe I am abused because I allow John to spank me. I can educate them about the lifestyle and relationship- but it is not up to me to change their minds. We aren’t always going to agree- simple- and I am secure and confident in my life and marriage that I don’t need to defend it.
        We can choose to learn from other peoples successes AND mistakes, and take the time to learn and grow so we can make educated choices.
        Reality check—
        Do we impose our thoughts, feelings, and emotions on another person and push until they cave into our desires?
        Do we manipulate, bully or shame someone else to follow our path because we, alone believe ourselves to be right or entitled?
        Do we feel we have the right to invade someone else’s privacy, their marriage, or their peace of mind because we think we are owed something?
        Those things are violations of a basic code of conduct and respect, and anyone who does these things are people lacking boundaries, consideration and respect of others. No relationship will exist for long, or be healthy, if one- or both partners- have that mindset. I learned that lesson the hard way. Because I am ‘too nice’ (grunt), it has taken a long time for me to accept that I have the right to refuse to play into someone’s personal agenda in a relationship- and that such an agenda is destructive and self-serving. I learned to say no and walk away. (Yeah, I hear Lily and Isa cheering here. Humprf)
        There is only one obvious exception in the fluctuation of the adult consensual relationship- safety.
        Regarding the internet, people are very good at hiding behind their computers and making statements about things they know nothing about- coming across as experts when they have not even left the house (or their mommy’s basement). They give themselves titles without paying their dues (education, experience, reaching puberty, etc). They will bully and manipulate to make themselves look like bad asses. They will take up causes and offenses that are not their own without any knowledge or understanding. The list of what people do on the internet to gain for themselves is endless- and they love to give advice based on their fantasmical existence. That is why John and I live openly among you. Many of you have met me face to face- and some have even suffered under John’s eagle-eyed gaze. Even our worse enemies (Yeppers! I even have stalkers! Cool, huh?)have personally been witness to our life and lifestyle. We are real. Ask a real person if you want to learn about something. You might not like the answer, but at least you know it did not come from a sixteen year old hiding in a closet with a smart phone pretending to be a dom.
        Luvs! B

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