Hair Removal Quest…

 

veet

In my constant quest for a. losing weight, and B. Hair removal, I stumbled upon this testimonial on a facebook weight loss update. Don’t ask me what one has to do with the other but since both are on my mind quite a bit, I thought I would share. Be prepared to pee your pants while reading this. Warning, do not eat or drink while reading because I can not be held responsible for anyone ruining their computer by projectiles due to coughing fits. Nor will I accept responsibility if you choke on your lunch.

 

THIS IS supposed to be AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect!

8 thoughts on “Hair Removal Quest…

  1. That was hilarious! Omon sent this me and I laughed, even though I’m suffering from the worst cold I’ve had in years… I also struggle, both with weight loss as well as hair removal. I found, by chance, a product called “Magic” (and it is-Magic, that is) originally used by African American men instead of shaving. I buy the powder version as the ready-made gel sux, and mix that with a little water to a goey mess, with the feel and look of mud. Apply and let sit for 5-7 minutes and rinse it off using a scratchy sponge to remove the hair. I cut the hair with scissors if its too long and then apply the stuff. It doesn’t smell too great, a little bit like rotten eggs actually, but I come out smooth as a… well you get the picture. Try it on for size in a small spot first, though. It uses the same type of alkali chemicals that Veet uses, but its less strong (I think so). I buy the stuff from Ebay:

    http://www.ebay.com/itm/MAGIC-PUBIC-BODY-HAIR-REMOVER-REMOVAL-POWDER-FULL-RANGE-/250822085749?pt=UK_Health_HairRemoval_RL&var=&hash=item3a66294c75

    Good luck, Bree. And let me know how it turns out. Sir G

  2. Soo so funny! Thanks for the warning about not eating! I had put down my utensils before starting and I was so greateful for the warning! I laughed so hard that I cried. Good job sharing this =) Thank you!

  3. Thank you Nikki! I needed a really good laugh today. I have printed it off and the entire office is laughing. Even the 1 guy I work with said thanks for the heads up. Can’t wait to show Shawn and get his reaction! Gay snowman….Lmao!

  4. omg….do guys do that? We are at the zoo and just went by the part beat and we read the snowman comment. …While drinking coke….

  5. Hilarious. Glad I wasn’t drinking anything. thanks for the heads up. I can think of a couple of people I would love to recommend this to.

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