Are you a Survivor or a Thriver? A Victim or a Victor?

Hello, my darlings! There has been a lot of questions directed at me lately about triggers, psychological play, and labels- and many of you have courageously shared your stories and the journey you have taken.

John and I share our lives openly with you- much of it is amusing and playful, but there is also another side that is not. I promised all of you that I would allow myself to be vulnerable and show that, no matter how old we are, or how many years in the lifestyle we have lived, that growth, change and self-awareness should forever be in a perpetual, forward motion.

I am going to make this statement to begin- and re-clarify later- I was a survivor of childhood sexual and ritual abuse. For years, I employed the tools of survival to function… avoidance, hiding in shadows, overachieving, defensiveness, overeating, self-stabbing to feel… My life was mentally dictated by my abusers and I functioned in constant fear, shame and guilt. Bluntly, I was a freaking mess.

When I started my MA program in psych, one of the requirements was that we went through therapy. The instructors wanted us to see what is felt like to be ‘on the other side’. That was when the reality that I had just been surviving (functioning day to day without growth) as a victim (the abusers still lived rent free in my head). I was challenged to thrive (evolve and grow beyond the abuse) and become a victor (remove the power the abusers had over my actions).

I am no longer a survivor of abuse- I thrive happily as a victor over those events and have taken back control of my thoughts, my emotions and my life. That part of my past has lost all power to either harm, or silence me.

I confess that there are still things that I merely function in (survive), and that I struggle not to allow certain abuses/words have power over me (victim)- but it is the recognition that they are there and that I am taking steps to be free of them that allows me to repaint my life on a fresh canvas. I’m also very blessed to have a strong, loving supportive partner and genuine friends to stand by me on that journey.

I ask this question of you because so often we ‘stick’ with a label we have given ourselves, not realizing that we have either allowed ourselves to stay in that same place- or acknowledge that we have stepped out of it. Many people, myself included, entered the lifestyle because it gave us permission to feel where the world would not. Others, ladened with guilt and self loathing, came into it because they felt they deserved more abuse and hoped to find it here. And there are even those who found that the dynamic allowed a way to work through anger, pain, neglect, and fear. There are as any reasons for being here as there are people- right or wrong is not for us to judge but to try to understand and encourage a healthy direction

I love you guys!


A Word of Warning

warning_1Predators are closer than you think. In fact, several of them even host blogs that you read. I had a reader drop me an email that was very disturbing concerning a particular poster. I had heard about this person before- she had used the story of death and abandonment (children, parents, husband), despair and woe (all lies) to get fans, sympathy and money. It’s been brought to my attention that she was exposed, but now her blog is back up and she is making claims that the lies were based on real people.

No comment. I don’t follow her. Enough said.

The internet- especially blogs- are filled with lies. Many are for privacy purposes- like changing names and locations to protect the writers and families. That is totally acceptable. Oh, and what woman doesn’t lie about her age and weight? No problem, and usually laughable. I always lie about my age- but I can get away with it because I look a lot younger than my 98 years.

When the lies are used to manipulate people’s emotions and their pocketbooks- that is where we must draw the line. When the lies make people believe someone is living a life that doesn’t exist- and uses that to gain support for a con job- we have to say NO!

DO NOT send money to anyone unless you actually know them (that means meet face to face, spend time- real time- with them)

DO NOT give anyone your passwords or access to your private account. Identify theft and blackmail are real issues, and there are people who will steal emails/chats to alter them with your name on it, and then delete them from your account to eliminate the original (been there, done that). Homeland Security loves to investigate people who are reported to do this- so report them immediately (including any records you have of their admission).

DO NOT give anyone your credit card number- not even to buy my books. I don’t care how bad you feel for them- tell them to get a job and pay for their own.

DO SAVE any correspondence that asks (or hints) for money, admits/boasts of ANY violation of boundaries (ie entering private accounts, stalking the internet for your information, etc), or starts going off on an obscene story that you need to check the details later. Keep copies of these in hard form with the header on it.

Most of all- RUN LIKE HELL from anyone who asks for or does any of the above and DO NOT look back.

John and I put ourselves out there. Many of you have met us face to face- been to our home, shared meals and spent one on one time with (I love to meet my fans). Many have spoken with us on the phone. Many have even seen my ‘atta girl’ wall with my degrees and USMC discharge (proving my education and experience is exactly what I say it is). I have nothing personal to hide and am very open about who and what I am. John as well- he doesn’t announce to his vanilla friends who we are or what we do because he believes in privacy- but he won’t deny if asked.

Protect yourselves, my darlings. Please. And if you know of anyone involved in such heinous actions, speak up. Protect yourselves and each other.



Atten-Hut! General’s Daughter Fans


Omg! Such exciting news.  John was approached to narrate the General’s Daughter Series and, as of today, he is the official voice belonging to Scott Jenkins, Dr. Quimby, Michael Quimby and Richard Lewis! So ladies (and some gents), you will get to hear your favorite character scold poor Sam for real!

That’s not all…There is word in the think tank that certain spanking scenes might even have sound effects… Whatcha think of that?

For those of you who don’t know, GD is my ultimate fantasy. I started the series (without the grown up parts) when I was 12 as a means to get through some horrible and ugly times.  Those characters kept me (Bree) from doing a lot of stupid things and gave me a refuge, and love, when I needed it the most. When I rewrote the book (originally over 900 pages) in 2011, and put the parts of true fantasy within, it became real to me. Now- being able to hear the voices of my beloved heroes- it will come alive.

We will keep you updated! Thank you all!!





As many of you know, John and I put our lives out there for you, our beloved friends and fans. We don’t hide our world, nor do we pretend life is always rainbows an unicorns.  Because of this, our lives are frequently dissected and attacked with the agenda to hurt. Whether it be separation, divorce, death or betrayal- each of these things have torn the fabric of love and trust in all of our lives. Most of you know my history and, like you, every loss takes a little chunk of life from your spirit.

Many of you have recently written to me about healing from the pain of betrayal and the feelings that arise- feelings that are uncomfortable, ugly, and bitter. I wrote this to let you know that you are not alone. We all feel that way when someone we cared about hurts us.  It’s okay to put those feelings to words- and that is what I have done.

This is from my heart, open and exposed naked in front of you. It’s a show of trust and gratitude to you who have opened your hearts to me.

Love Always,



To Those Who Have Shared My Heart


Some of you still live on

Others have departed- in love and in life

Some memories still bring smiles- Others might even bring tears

But for those whose lives left behind a dark shadow in their wake-

This is for you.


No matter who you are- or the role you played

We are part of each other- Good or bad

I cannot forget- for learning does not come with forgetting

But I can forgive, and be free of the poison that you called love


Where I am is due to you- Just as where you are is due to me

I hope yours is a good place, a happy one

And that you’ve learned to make choices to better yourself

I know I have.


It is sad to say that my life is better without you in it,

But there remains a tiny part of my soul that still belongs to you

That explosion of laughter

A shared glass of wine

Even a moment of comfort

Still belongs to you.


Freedom is truly a wonderful thing.

I release you from my life

I will remember the pain so that I may learn from it

I will also remember the love so that I don’t grow cold.

Good bye…

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