To Brat or Not to Brat

2015-01-20

Hello lovelies,

I wanted to clarify something right out front: A brat is different than a sub who has some bratty behaviors. No I am not crazy, well not entirely, lol.

You see a Dom will run the other way faster than George Lucas will change the Star Wars franchise, if he encounters a brat.

What do I mean by a brat?

Think any reality show: Bad Girls, Jersey Girls, etc. Anything where the females feel entitled and argue and complain 24/7. If any of you are still looking online for a Dom, do not put you are a brat in your profile. Trust me you will never get a response, not from an experienced Dom anyway. You can put “can be bratty at times,” “like to get in trouble,” “push a bit,” etc. This is totally different.

Still not getting me? I was training a brat once, all she did was push, argue, lie, cuss, yell and feel she was entitled to everything in this world. It did not last long. I had to cut her loose as it was too much work, she was too high maintenance and way too much stress.

You see Dom’s expect a sub to exhibit bratty behavior from time to time: pouting, being sassy, procrastinating and other bad habits. But, a brat is just obnoxious, and Dom’s do not fight, nor argue with subs and this is all a brat wants to do. They want to be totally out of control and make every one miserable. So see ya wouldn’t want to be ya. I have no time for brats but will spend any amount of time a sub needs if she just has some bratty behaviors. Feel me?

So remember never put you are a brat in a profile, it’s like Dom kryptonite.

Be good, or else…

SJ

13 thoughts on “To Brat or Not to Brat

  1. well that was certainly spirited ..Let me put this as simply as I can .As a dom I will not engage with a brat but i will engage and train those with bratty behaviors.To me the term brat has a different connotation now than when I was growing into dom hood . Now, to me at least , it means hedonistic. self centered and feeling entitled , not to mention driving everyone crazy 24/7 , way way too much work.Its hard enough to train a true subbie trust me lol a brat is just too much and frankly a waste of my time .Now I am not saying everyone agrees with my assessment but its my assessment and when dealing with potential females thats how I see it, and I would bet most doms feel the same.So in closing. Keep breathing but do not turn into brats or else lol you know I love you all

    • LOL! Yeah, the poor man runs out of the room when us girls get into discussion. Okay—- so you would never guess what I’m gonna do? Yup- BRAT time!

  2. In regards to statement Bree made. I dont know if it was said sarcastically but I believe the statement would not fit or describe you as a person in anyway. Basically I think the statement would have to be completely false based on your blogs, emails and the way you take your time to respond to everyone with patience and kindness and by calling them sweety etc.. You use a gentle approach in addressing and helping people so I would say the statement would’ve been meant sarcastically.
    In regards to Lily I think your a bit to cute to be a brat lol. I always enjoy you and Bree’s debates they make me laugh.
    p.s I am 29yrs old so born in 1985.

  3. I love this post and I agree with SJ I don’t like those shows they drive me crazy. I think they only show a small percentage of people who are living a self indulgent lifestyle. But if thats what they know than I understand. I like to say and my Friends would say I can be cheeky at times and get up to mischief but never bad or mean. I like to think most people have a little innocence and fun in them that likes to come and play every once in a while in a safe environment.

  4. I tend to disagree with several of your points. Yes the term brat is derogatory in certain instances but also humorous. It’s all in how it is used and the user themselves.

    I think making a blatant statement lumping all brats together or saying all brats display incredibly negative stereotypical behavior is too far reaching. It’s like saying all Doms do XYZ when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Each individual takes and leaves parts of the lifestyle that works best for them and what labels they use is what they feel best works for them. That’s it.

    Each individual can chose to identify in which ever category they feel is the best fit for their needs and wants. The responses they get are more directly related to the other individual and what is on their profile than just the label brat. I have often put the brat label on myself, been labeled a brat even and have had absolutely zero negative responses and nothing but great results. If the Dom doesn’t wish to interact with a person on the basis of a single label then that would be their loss but not directly reflective of the individual with the brat label.

    Making a blanket statement like having “Dom” in your profile could be taken to mean anything. I might interpret it to mean you’re a 24/7 hardass but in reality you’re a bedroom dominant that likes to control the sexual aspect of the relationship. There is far too much wiggle room in a single word and a single label. A brat can be a complete brat 24/7 or brat occasionally just identify more so with that aspect of their identity. A brat can only stick out her tongue or throw a full on tantrum.

    I think it’s a matter of perspective. If someone has nothing but negative interactions with a “brat” then of course their viewpoints and opinions of brats with be skewed towards the negative. I, on the other hand, have had fairly positive interactions as a brat and someone communicating with brats, and see no need to correlate such awful behavior to the term brat in any way. I interpret bratting as a more playful interaction and not negative or derogatory. I don’t see bad habits such as sassing or procrastination making someone a brat. Nor do I think that label portrays further issues a person might have.

    I suppose I disagree with pretty much everything expressed, lol.

    I’m a brat and wouldn’t change a thing 🙂

    • Ahhh- but you are stating the same thing- it is the behaviors that determine play verses being abusive. You would never use brattiness as a means to hurt anyone or make demands for yourself (except for chocolate). Nor would you make conditions or ultimatums. You are not about you- even when you act up. The bratty behavior vs a true brat (i.e. Bad Girls Club and Jersey Princess) is much different. It is much like using the term Slut- we can be slutty (and we are at times) but are we sluts? Is it something we want to represent ourselves as? I hope not.
      If you were really a brat, a TRUE brat (as expressed in the post and as defined by the majority of the actual d-types) I couldn’t stand being around you- so there! Been there before (and so have you!), so nu-uh 😛
      ! 😛

      • Oh I’m definitely not saying the same thing as either of you. Obviously it’ll be the behaviors an individual displays that allows those they interact with to make judgments and otherwise view them as a person. Those behaviors can turn to abuse or to the negative in any form. That is always the case, vanilla or not. How you act, what you do and say is how you are portrayed to the world around you.

        No I would not act that way bc that’s not who I am as a person. It has absolutely nothing to do with the label brat. I am a “true brat.” That is my identity and what I willingly choose to label myself. What you are saying is a “true brat” is essentially a bitch or a bad person. Sorry but there is no category for that on any site. Plus, those types of people can be found in ANY category. Any brat, any sub or any dominant can exhibit those behaviors (entitlement, demanding, etc.) or otherwise be a crappy person. I completely disagree that those types of people fall predominantly into the Brat category, whether you label it a “true brat” or a stereotype.

        As far as labeling, it’s all in what the person labels themselves as, regardless of other people’s opinions. I label myself happily as fat. Do other people want to have that label? No. But it’s my label. I own it and make it what I want it to be, positive. If I wanted the label slutty you better believe I’d own it, regardless of what the community or society thought of it as a whole.

        Again, what those individuals or D-types decide to interpret as bratty behavior or being a “true brat” is completely on them. I have had completely different experiences with brats and D-types alike and all positive. I very much think you are overgeneralizing with the term brat and trying to convey the more extreme individuals that self-identify with that category when in fact they can be found in any category or under any label.

        • I’m going to tell everyone that despite Lils attempt to be a bad ass- she is one of the sweetest, most giving and unselfish people I know. She likes to brat, talk back and challenge (everything, lol) but there is not one cruel, nasty or ugly bone in her body. I would give her my life and I know that she would do the same- so please, don’t interpret this discussion as anything other that two different generations facing a crisis of the words. Much of what she is saying is true- and it also demonstrates how certain terms have been altered to meet the needs of the generation.

          The term- brat-
          noun derogatory/humorous
          a child, typically a badly behaved one.
          synonyms: badly behaved child, spoiled child; rascal, wretch, imp, scamp, scapegrace, whippersnapper

          The generation will define the direction. Okay— first, let’s go back to specifics- and the reason this post was originally written- is because I’ve been coming across single women (primarily 35 plus) on places like Fet- who are looking for a relationship (a healthy DS type as submissives) and labeling themselves in a way that provokes a negative image. The term Brat is being applied and they are receiving an inordinate amount of negative results- some of these girls are physically attractive, intelligent and well educated and can’t understand why the d-types who are serious (that is another discussion all together) blow them off. I’ve asked them to email the guys and ask- and its the same response- The men/women (Domme types as well) say that they don’t want to waste the energy or time fighting, arguing or being disrespected.
          We can argue, justify, reason as much as we want to- the bottom line is certain words have images associated with them- like it or not. Anyone can go and follow these threads, btw. Ask for yourself and see the response- check the ‘labels’ and ages of the responders, look at their friend lists and then see how they communicate of other threads.

          Each generation expects the other to define and interpret based on their knowledge (or lack of) and needs. For my generation (which is the 35 and up), the connotation is negative and the potential doms (real or not) are not looking for a relationship where they can anticipate a constant battle- they want intelligent woman who desire the same dynamic as they do. Yes there are a few who like to conquor the Brat- but you have to ask yourself, what type of relationship will that develop into for the future? If the bratting stops working with him, or he ignores it, then what? Does she start to look for another d-type to conquer her? That is not the picture of a healthy, long term relationship. A healthy DS relationshp grows and evolves over time and that is what the majority of these women desire.
          TNG (the Next Generation-like Lils) is going to interpret the words differently. The term has been downplayed and most of us understand that- however, to assume that the more mature men (I use the term mature sparingly) are going to see it as cute or playful will not- and will likely associate it with work, fighting, and a constant battle.

          On a personal note- I don’t pay much attention to labels- nor does Lily- but to assume that everyone else thinks the same (or should think the same) is not only unreasonable, but foolish. It is just like expecting everyone to embrace a certain kink- it ain’t gonna happen- but ignoring or blowing off the fact that the kink might repel a potential mate can hurt you. Case and point- face slapping is a hard limit for me. If I read that John was into face slapping, I would never even bother to talk to him. Of course, the plus side would be that we wouldn’t have to deal with his posts…

          I clarify- again- that this is about those women looking for a relationship and who are frustrated because their label as Brat is falsely representing who and what they are. Yes, label yourself however you wish- own it- boast about it- but ultimately, what is the end result? Lily and I are married- we don’t have to give a damn about things like this- but this post isn’t about us. It is about the ones who want a partner- and are representing themselves in a way that is not defined in the BDSM community as a positive attribute. You cannot expect anyone to read your mind or know who you are beyond that label-this isn’t my rule and I don’t have to like it or agree with it- it is just how it is.

          Think for a moment, though- is there anyone out there who has had, been in, a relationship with someone who- in OLD VIEW TERM- is a brat (like the hubby’s ex wife who is bat crap crazy and will do anything to win a fight, including keeping a kid away from his dad?). Maybe YOU haven’t had that experience, but what if the guy did and makes that connection to that word in your profile? Right or wrong- it happens and you might lose out on a great relationship. Better to wait and then see if he is open to bratty play after you get to know him better.

          We are going to do an experiment here= I’m going to make a statement about myself- none of you can see or hear how I am stating it (truth, tease, rolling my eyes in mockery). For those of you out there who know me= please tell me your gut response (and your age group). Likewise, for those who have never met me, your response as well (and age group). Based of YOUR perception of the words that I am going to use. BTW- for the trolls and haters (yep, I got a few)- we do monitor this blog, lol!
          My statement-
          I am an ugly, selfish bitch and don’t give a damn about anyone or anything. If it doesn’t benefit me, then screw it.

          • I will agree with you that there is a slight generational issue playing a part in the discussion. What I interpret to be a brat is going to be different than everyone else’s all depending on their experience, age, etc but that’s with just about everything and every topic. I do still disagree with you as far as the picture being portrayed to potential dominants etc.

            This is mainly because every single one of my past Doms/Daddys/any D-type has been significantly older than me, save my hubby. Heck my very first Dom was in his 50s. There was always a generational gap, some larger than others. It was always negotiated amicably though with zero issues, even with the word brat in my name and the label brat. So while your theory that those in the ‘over 35’ category might be turned off by the label of brat and associate it with work or fighting, I still very much disagree and have never found that to be the case. Perhaps its limited to those individuals they have interacted with? Either way I would refrain from making more broad reaching statements based on the opinions of few others. There are many other approaches to take when looking for a partner.

            I still disagree that simply putting the label of a brat portrays something negative to a potential D-type. Anything can repel anyone so at what point do you stop being yourself and become someone totally different in order to attract someone?

          • Again- take a look see and you will see the responses. I didn’t write them- they are there in black and white- and the consensus is the same. Join in and see if you can get anything different. You will also see my trying to bring in a similar viewpoint that you stated.
            We don’t have to like it- it just is and if we know its a potential turn off, why invite it in? I think the best thing to understand a profile is like preparing for a blind date. How do you dress? How do you behave? How do you initially present yourself? Online dating is just like that- and how you represent yourself will attract, or repel, different types of people. I generally attract trolls- still trying to figure out how to develop an anti-troll spray, btw.
            I would rather stay in sweat, no make up and my hair in a ponytail than get dressed up to go to a gig- hell, you’ve heard me bitching and moaning on the last one we all went on. BUT, because I respect John (and didn’t want to gross you guys out), I not only put on makeup, but I wore a bra! Gasp!! I’m still me, just a little better me. Once we were home, it all came off.
            Now, if I showed up as hideous as you’ve seen me look in the morning- didn’t brush my teeth or shower- what image would that portray? If I didn’t care about John or you guys, and if I wasn’t there to pick up a horny bass player, then no biggy. But that wasn’t why I went…. see my point?
            People are not going to take the time to know us if we put ourselves in a negative view- even indirectly. Guilt by association happens all the time- does it make it right? No. But it still exists. So why add to the difficulty in things like online dating by placing anything negative or potentially off putting in a profile? Get to know the guy first, and then let him find out you have a major gas problem!

          • I guess my point is what makes a representative sample? How many D-types do you need to ask? 10, 100, 1000, 10000? Which type of Dominants are those answering? Do those commenting have an issue with the term brat in general and thus more likely to express their negative views more passionately whereas those that don’t could care less to comment? Is the sample being questions biased and small to begin with? There is absolutely no way to get a definitive answer no matter how many people reply to posts or don’t. So for me the argument stated that there are those in consensus holds little to no weight for me. My representative sample is clearly different with very different results so which result is the “correct” one?

            As far as being a potential turn off, again it’s a blanket assumption that it is one. And it’s still an assumption that brat has a negative connotation. There are plenty of individuals who do not see it as such and in fact would rather have that as a label. Perhaps you’re not presenting yourself well to those individuals? There is no way to know. Sure you could ask an individual but that is that single individual’s viewpoint. There are a number of ways to set up a profile in order to attract the kind of individual you wish to attract. Just do your best in portraying yourself, your true self and your wants and needs, communicate effectively and surround yourself with and interact with those positively. It may take time but it’ll be worth it 🙂

          • Regarding your experiment, my first response was “Jeepers, you’re nothing like that at all. You’re the opposite.”

            If I were only seeing the words without a person behind them however, I’d steer clear of them – after wondering why they’d portray themselves that way. (age 28)

  5. Hi Y’all- I want to add to this (at 3 am and after too much coffee)
    The reason this subject was brought up is because of the some of the discussions I’ve been involved in on Fet, and the review of the profiles (and comments) of several people we are assisting.
    There is confusion between the Brat personality and displaying some bratty behavior (teasing, a little back talk, sticking tongue out). The term brat is not only derogatory, but also implies someone who is self-centered, mean-spirited, argumentative and egocentric. Because they are experts at manipulation and often engage in lying, many people are initially fooled by a sweet or quiet exterior. These are people who can be very good at blending in, or being funny, until that time that they cease to get their way. It is a form of a Narcissitic Personality Disorder where they can be charming and even come across as caring- but true colors will eventually come forth as they grow more comfortable and begin to feel entitled in a relationship- any type of relationship. .A brat cares for nothing except herself and I’m going to go this far to say- bluntly- that a brat is not a submissive. She is a me-centered vanilla who likes to be kinky and whose attention-seeking behavior provokes negativity- jealousy, strife, distrust and destruction. She is solely focused on her wants, her demands, and her goals with no regard for anyone elses personal, boundaries. Is this the type of person you want to be associated with? Probably not, so why would anyone want to claim this title for themselves?
    No one, not even in the vanilla world, would seek a HEALTHY relationship with the type of personality as John described- so why in the world would they pursue it in the DS/BDSM community? So, for those of you who are looking for a real Dom- if you have listed brat on your profile, or have referred to yourself as such, now you can see why you are getting negative responses.
    Food for thought for those seeking relationships online. Brat personas (NPD) go in both directions. I emphasize the import of reading how a perspective sub/dom responds on threads. Are they rude? Attacking? Looking for a fight?Trying to provoke problems with strangers? Are they too cowardly to PM but will air their behavior publicly? Even a single incident can be indicative of instability, anger issues and immaturity- and it is only a matter of time before this behavior will turn on to you if you are involved with this type of person. Just think- if they can’t conduct themselves like a lady or a gentlemen on line- what makes them able to exercise better self control in person? what is your safety- physically, mentally and emotionally, worth to you? Think about it.
    Luvs,
    Bree

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