Ok, I will admit, this is my weakest area… My Achilles Heel. My poor little heart just crumbles in the face of rejection of any kind. I can make tons of excuses why, but the bottom line is insecurities. Is anyone with me?
This post is as much for Tops as it is for us Bottoms. And, as always, there is a madness to my methods…..
I have this terrible little habit of believing that, once I ask for something (often several times), if my request is ignored or forgotten, I feel rejected. Like what I asked for has no value or importance to the other person. Right, wrong or otherwise, it is how I feel.
I am going to use a recent event to illustrate things. So, most of you know my pull towards AP (age-play). Not as a full time lifestyle, but in those moments when I am feeling the most vulnerable and beaten down. Who among us doesn’t want to be picked up and cuddled after a bad night, hmm? And when you are told no… WOW!
I don’t know about you, but I tend to be a little oversensitive in things and it takes me a while to get over it. The question is how?
First, we have to ask ourselves, was the request unreasonable? I mean, asking John to pick me up and carry me (given his old back and my overly ample bottom) may not be feasible. Of course, when I confront him about my belief about the reason for his refusal, he denies it left and right, up and down! I don’t know if he wants to admit that it is his back or risk my pouting by telling me I am too heavy, but seriously! Give me SOMETHING to explain why I am being denied what I want. Oh yeah, and ‘because I said so’ does NOT cut it!
The next question… Why would this hurt me so badly? What trigger did it pull? Am I just being hormonal… Or crazy… Or both? It is hard to find the source of our pain sometimes, mainly because we have pushed it down for so long that we forgot that it was there. But once we recognize it….. Open those flood gates!
The following step…. Communicating the hurt. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, ticks me off more than when I get the courage to say something and I am dismissed, blown off, or laughed at. Thank God SJ does none of those. But still, I know of several incidences, with myself and with friends, that this has happened. We want validation, acknowledgement, and acceptance of our hurt. It makes it so much easier to talk out when you know the person who seemingly rejected you, accepts your feelings and love you enough to help you walk through them. A good, loving Top will always seek a way to not only calm the hurts and fears of his/her sub, but will be there to help them walk through it. I always suggest that a serious Dom take some basic psychology classes. And please, for crying out loud, don’t use the reverse psychology bullshit on your subs. That only adds to the sense of invalidation and dismissal. Keep calm and don’t get defensive as she/he tries to express themselves. Your sub is trusting you to take her/him seriously and one misplaced word or gesture can put major walls up in the face of trust.
Apologies….. Ok, your poor Top (or his ancient back) didn’t really do anything wrong, but it so nice to hear that they feel bad that your feelings were damaged. A sweet, sincere apology… I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t mean to…. Goes a long, long way for trust. That simple gift will promise a lesser emotional reaction from your poor sub when the next event occurs (notice that I did not say the word IF)……..
FINALLY, it really helps to make a list of your needs and desires. I can’t expect SJ to remember all my demands, can I? Ones like…..
- Wake me up with a spanking (not by pulling off the covers to spank me!)
- Wake me up with sex! Mmmm
- Pick me up and put me to bed (or finally admit that you have an old, creaky back!)
- Learn the men’s part on ‘Tonight You Belong To Me’ and sing it with me. OFTEN!
- Get out the legos and call me to play with you (not to just read the instructions)
- Initiate AP more often.
- Shock me with kinky surprises (anything goes… Like more anal play)
- Start skipping when we go to the zoo and make me play along( Nikki here—–> don’t forget the fairy dress and flowers)
- Take salsa lessons with me (which will help get this ample bottom in better shape, which will make your old, creaky back hurt less when you pick me up and put me to bed)
- Make those desserts in the cookbook I bought you
This should be enough to keep MY Top occupied for a while, don’t you think? I will keep you informed!!! (Nikki—->not too much info. thank you very much)